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OIP manages the content of the documents to be signed by the international partner and the UNI department or college, in conjunction with the Office of the University Counsel, to ensure agreements are in the best interests of the University, especially in the event of an infringement, misconduct, harm caused to persons, or other issue. EXISTING PARTNERS: We are currently updating our partner information to the below format. If you already are one of our partner universities, please still fill out this form and upload your existing. agreement.. This will allow us to create the online profile of the university. Our Team . We are a growing team of professionals who brings smart and cost effective business services and solutions to our clients' needs. Anticipation, advisement and accomplishment is the result of a long-term relationship which we seek with our clients.. We invest in our team such as we invest in our clients leveraging an always win in their daily challenges. UNI and UI partner to assist startups New. September 24, 2020 8:51 pm KWWL Cedar Falls, Iowa City News, News, Top Stories, Waterloo News (KWWL) — The University of Northern Iowa (UNI) and the ... About the CIEP Conversation Partner Program The UNI CIEP Conversation Partner Program pairs American students, staff, and professors at UNI with students in the UNI CIEP. Partners meet a minimum of one hour each week throughout the academic year. It is required that students speak English for one hour during the time they are together. This provides a cultural exchange for Now beginning the sixth cohort, UNI JPEC Staff have helped over 60 participants launch successful businesses in the Cedar Valley. “This is a great opportunity that we are able to bring to the Cedar Valley community with the help of the University of Iowa,” said Patrick Leunsmann, senior program manager and Venture School mentor. UNI Partners, Inc Global Reach, Unlimited Solutions 'Innovation is the art of change'

Providing KarmaCourt the People it Needs

2014.07.20 20:58 Banana-Man Providing KarmaCourt the People it Needs

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2020.09.26 06:22 RedditSucktHart Gestern hat meine Freundin Schluss gemacht

Ich kann es immer noch nicht ganz fassen.
Eine Trennung in 3 Akten
Akt I: Die Vorgeschichte
Also ich hatte schon länger (6-12 Monate) dieses Gefühl, dass irgendetwas nicht ganz stimmt. Mehr so unterbewusst, so richtig klar war mir das nicht. Am Montag noch hatten wir ein Gespräch in dem Sie mir sagte, dass die Anziehung zwischen uns irgendwie nicht mehr so da ist wie früher. Mir ist das, also von ihrer Seite auch schon länger etwas aufgefallen. Irgendwie hat sie keine Energie mehr in die Beziehung gesteckt. Unsere Chats und Gespräche sind abgeflacht, das "ich liebe dich" vor dem Schlafengehen habe ich schon viele Monate fast nie erwidert bekommen und wenn ich vorgeschlagen habe etwas zu unternehmen hatte ich, wenn sie Mal ja gesagt hatte nicht das Gefühl, dass sie das wirklich so meinte. Wenn ich früher zu ihr gekommen bin haben wir uns sofort zusammen getan und über unsere Erlebnisse und Pläne gequatscht, aber irgendwann, schleichend, hat sie lieber unten am Handy gesessen und Instagram geschaut oder was anderes gemacht. Seit dem Gespräch am Montag habe ich dann angefangen jeden Tag Sport zu machen und mich bei nem Fitnessstudio anzumelden, ich wahr noch aufmerksamer und habe versucht mehr mit ihr zu reden ohne aber zu nerven, ich habe Pläne mit Freunden gemacht, mich auch mehr um mein eigenes Leben gekümmert und so quasi versucht der Beziehung wieder einen Aufwärtsschwung zu geben. Wir hatten noch einen guten Montag und einen tollen Dienstag miteinander, dann bin ich bis gestern, also Freitag, zu einem guten Kumpel gefahren.
Gestern waren wir am Nachmittag mit Freunden im Schwimmbad verabredet, aber dieses Gefühl der Kälte von ihr, hat diese ganzen Sachen, die ich vorher nur unbewusst wahrgenommen habe wieder hochgespült. Von der positiven Entwicklung am Wochenanfang habe ich nichts mehr gemerkt. Im Gegenteil, die Gefühlsebene war sogar noch kälter als jemals zuvor.
Akt II: Die Trennung
Als wir uns ins Auto gesetzt haben hab ich es dann nicht mehr ausgehalten und ein Gespräch über unsere Beziehung angefangen. Schaut, ich bin so ziemlich das Gegenteil von einem Kommunikationsgenie, meine sozialen Kompetenzen sind mager, mit Gefühlen kann ich echt schlecht umgehen. Trotz alledem war soweit ich mich zurückerinnern kann immer ich derjenige, welcher gefragt hat wie es bei ihr so läuft, wie es ihr geht, was sie so denkt und was in ihr vorgeht. Ich hatte schon die ganze Zeit das Gefühl jedes bisschen Information bzw. Einsicht aus ihrer Nase ziehen zu müssen. Und obwohl wir bereits darüber geredet haben wann ich wieder zu ihr komme und sie sogar vorgeschlagen hat, dass ich etwas länger bei ihr bleibe stellte sich heraus, dass sie eigentlich etwas länger alleine sein wollte. Okay, etwas verletzend, aber ich kann es sehr gut nachvollziehen einige Tage Mal Zeit für sich haben zu wollen. Sie hat mir das nicht gesagt um mich nicht "zu verletzen". Und wieder einmal musste ich wiederholen, dass es mich mehr verletzt, dass sie nicht mit mir kommuniziert, als dass sie ihre berechtigten Bedürfnisse hat.
Also habe ich weiter versucht dem Gefühl der Kälte auf den Grund zu gehen und wollte wissen was ihr denn an mir bzw. unserer Beziehung fehlt. Natürlich bekam ich den Klassiker "Weiß ich nicht so genau" zurückgeworfen. Aber dieses eine Mal gab ich mich nicht damit zufrieden und probierte es einfach andersrum, fragte was sie sich denn wünscht. Dann hat sie angefangen echt stark nachzudenken. Ihre Antwort: Ihr fehlt so ein Freund, der Flammen unterm Hintern hat, der Temperamentvoll ist. Ich sei das früher etwas mehr gewesen. Außerdem hat sie das Gefühl, dass ihr Leben an ihr vorbei zieht während sie in einer Beziehung mit mir ist.
Und das war der Startschuss zum Ende. Ich habe gefragt, was sie von unserer Beziehung hält und nach einigem hin und her und dem berüchtigten "Weiß ich nicht so genau" viel es mir wie Schuppen von den Augen. Ich sagte ihr meine Vermutung: Dass sie sich von mir wegentwickelt hat und momentan eigentlich keine Beziehung will. Dass sie frei sein will was auch immer sie möchte zu tun und das was ich bin, wer ich bin, durch ihre Entwicklung im Gegensatz zu früher einfach nicht mehr anziehend findet. Dass sie schon lange keine Arbeit und keine Energie mehr in diese Beziehung steckt weil sie diese Beziehung nicht mehr will. Und dann kamen ihre Tränen.
Wir haben beschlossen per WhatsApp unseren Freunden abzusagen und wieder umzudrehen und zu ihr zu fahren. Auf dem Weg hat sie bereits angefangen zu weinen und ich wahr auch kurz davor, nur abgehalten durch den Willen die StVO einzuhalten und trotz starker Emotionen sicher anzukommen. Wir haben immer wieder unsere Hand gehalten und ich begann den Prozess zu realisieren was hier gerade passiert.
Sie sagte mir, dass sie das schon länger fühlt, dass das schleichend passiert ist. Dass sie noch nicht bewusst darüber nachgedacht hat, weil sie diese Gefühle (oder ihre Abwesenheit) sich selber nicht eingestehen wollte. Wir saßen bestimmt noch eine 3/4 Stunde im Auto und redeten.
Ich fing an zu weinen. Diesmal war ich mir doch sicher gewesen. Sie war die Eine. Fast 4 Jahre waren wir zusammen. Wir sind durch dick und dünn gegangen, fast all meine guten Erinnerungen an meine Zeit damals hängen mit ihr zusammen. Wir sind gereist, haben gemeinsame Freunde, gemeinsame Lebenspläne, eine gemeinsame Familie. Egal was los ist, wir haben uns alle Geheimnisse die wir erfahren haben aber eigentlich nicht erzählen durften erzählt, konnten Erlebnisse miteinander teilen und man ist nicht alleine durch den täglichen Kampf dieses gottverdammten Lebens gegangen. Sie war nicht nur meine Freundin, sie war auch mein bester Freund und immer vertrauenswürdiger Partner.
Zum Abschied wünschte sie mir, dass ich jemanden finde mit dem ich zusammen passe und den ich verdiene. (Als ob ich mich nicht schon unsere gesamte Beziehung gefragt habe wie ich so jemand tollen wie sie verdient habe) Und dass es ihr so unendlich leid tut, dass ich so eine tolle Person bin und sie mich nicht verdient hat, sie mich nie verletzen wollte. (Bitch, dann hättest du vielleicht auf eine der Millionen von Fragen von mir was in dir vorgeht vor vielen Monaten schon ehrlich antworten sollen, dann hätten wir an unserer Beziehung arbeiten können und wir würden heute nicht stehen wo wir stehen) Und dass sie mir von Herzen alles gute in der Welt wünscht für meinen weiteren Weg. (Danke, ich weiß gar nicht was mehr weh tut -dieser Satz-, oder, dass sie mich nie verletzen wollte.)
Ich hab also meine Sachen aus dem Haus mitgenommen, ihrem etwas verdutzten Bruder Lebewohl gesagt, der gar nicht geschnallt hat was gerade draußen passiert ist, meine letzten Aufgaben in der Stadt erledigt, die ich schon seit Wochen vor mir her schiebe und mich auf den Heimweg aus meiner Heimatstadt in meine Studienstadt gemacht.
Akt III: Das Nachbeben
Ich erinnere mich nur zu ungern an meine letzte Trennung. Damals war ich noch 15, besaß die geistige Reife eines 11 Jährigen, aber eine soziale "Stabilität", die man nicht Mal Menschen 30+ zumuten könnte, sprich, Scheidung, gestörte Familie, Anwaltskrieg, Mobbing, Konsum von Brokkoli und anderen Substanzen, sowie nem riesigen Rucksack an weiteren Problemen die mir erst im Laufe der Jahre klar geworden sind und erst später bearbeitet wurden.
In diesem Umfeld damals habe ich eine wundervolle Person kennengelernt. Ich habe in meinem ganzen Leben zuvor und danach nie wieder sooooo heftige Gefühle bzw. Schwankungen zwischen Ups und Downs gehabt. Ohne sie hätte ich diese bis dato schlimmste Zeit in meinem Leben sicherlich nicht in einem Stück durchgestanden. Umso blöder, dass ich mich im Verlaufe der Beziehung immer stärker wie der letzte Vollarsch aufgeführt habe, Streitsüchtig, Narzisstisch, Böse. Jetzt im Nachhinein kann ich nur sagen, Gott sei Dank hat sie Schluss gemacht. Das hat mir auf einen Schlag mein sämtliches Verhalten während unserer Zeit wie einen Spiegel vorgehalten. Jeden Tag, jede Stunde, jede Minute wurde ich daran erinnert was ich ihr (psychisch) angetan habe und was ich nicht sein will, nie wieder sein will. Und ich habe viel daraus gelernt, auch obwohl mir der Fakt, dass ich noch 2 Jahre gebraucht hatte bis ich sie nicht mehr liebte und noch bis dieses Jahr (also 5 Jahre) gebraucht habe bis die Gefühle bis auf ein entferntes Bekanntheitsgefühl abgeebbt sind echt Angst macht. Ich meine wieso braucht mein blödes Hirn so lange um die Gefühle zu verarbeiten.
Tjaaaaa und jetzt haut diese Trennung rein. Diesmal war ich Lösungsorientiert, Einfühlend, Rücksichtsvoll, Interessiert und Liebevoll. Bisher war ich der Arsch, der durch seine Worte und durch seine Taten die Beziehungen zerstört hat, also durch was ich mache. Aber nun ist die Beziehung zu Ende durch was ich bin. Ich habe keinen Spiegel, der mir zeigt was ich falsch gemacht habe. Ich fühle mich vollkommen alleine und hilflos.
Natürlich habe ich direkt meinen engsten Freunden geschrieben, dass sie Schluss gemacht hat. Natürlich sind direkt 3 Leute fast her gefahren, aber ich brauche erst Mal einen Tag um das zu verarbeiten. Oh Gott ich Hoffe inständig, dass ich das momentan nicht schon wieder verdränge und mir die Realität bald übel ins Gesicht klatscht. Wenn das wieder so abläuft wie bei meiner letzten Trennung und ich jetzt erstmal Monate-Jahre jeden Tag an sie denken muss bin ich vollkommen am Arsch.
Und zu guter Letzt: Was zum Teufel sag ich jetzt meinen Freunden wieso sie Schluss gemacht hat? Ich verstehe es nicht einmal selber ganz. Seit der geregelte Tagesablauf vom Gymnasium weggefallen ist bekomme ich immer weniger auf die Reihe. Nach einem Jahr der Irrfahrt an ner Uni bin ich zu ner Hochschule gewechselt und habe vom Psychotherapeuten endlich ne Diagnose bekommen die viel in meinem Leben erklärt. Kommt zwar so 15 Jahre zu spät, aber besser spät als nie. Ab November hab ich dann auch endlich mein Leben auf die Reihe bekommen und umgekrempelt. Endlich ging es wieder bergauf. Ein gutes erstes Semester. Ich hatte Freunde, mit meiner Ex-Freundin führte ich tolle Gespräche und die Prüfungen habe ich alle bestanden.
Dann kam Corona und es änderte alles. Ich hasse 2020, diese selbsterfüllende Prophezeiung von Scheißjahr ist wenn es so weitergeht das neue schlimmste Jahr meines Lebens.
submitted by RedditSucktHart to einfach_posten [link] [comments]


2020.09.26 06:07 Progress-Special The more I take the time to do the work, the further I feel from my friends who hasn't

My friends and I have chosen different paths.
I'm prioritizing taking my time to learn about myself and the world around me, doing a lot of reflection. Recently this has lead me to a lot of breakthroughs in terms of understanding structural racism, the daunting issue of sexual abuse, trans rights and some of the long term consequences we see of colonialism exposed today.
Meanwhile, they have focused on getting their career and have settled down with spouses, houses, demanding fulltime jobs, and their first kid. They just don't have the time to get involved with everything that's going on atm.
And it makes me feel.. So distant from them. While my head is filled with.. Rage about social injustice and the lack of rights for minority groups, the ignorance and apathy of the majority.
My friends' heads are filled with work related stuff - some of it quite heavy. Working in the garden of their first house, how tough it can be to get a job again after pregnancy, the insane difference in the lives experience of how difficult it is to get at job after college (three doctors, an anthropologist and a philosopher), despite all having so much to offer. Reflecting on if they're up for taking on the responsibility of taking care of their friends' small child in case both parents die.
I feel so disconnected. I feel incredibly behind. And at the same time, I feel the things that are now obvious to me, are so far from their realities.
When one of my best friends mentions his wife's love for "All those shows with em.. What are they called.. Transgendered... Dressing up..", "Uhm.. Drag?" "Yes, drag!" (and goes on to mention he doesn't really care for those shows himself), after the countless times I've heard trans people express how much it hurts when people confuse being trans with being drag, cause gets conflated and confused as 'a man in a dress'. I don't know.. There's just so much to unpack. And he's a doctor as well, he should know about being trans from a medical perspective and how that's widely different from doing drag. That the possible disallignment of gender identity and sex is not the same as experimenting with gender expression and presenting as an (often exaggerated) version of the polar 'opposite' binary gender. As someone questioning their own gender, it kinda stung.
Ditto with the surprise that blm has taken up a lot of my headspace this Summer (becoming even more pronounced after hearing my partner's experiences with racism), as well as questioning the effects of a consent based rape law on number of rapes committed - again, while I'm myself dealing with my own history of sexual abuse and fighting for dismantling the system that protects predators, encourages sexual aggression and silences victims (including a number of my friends) at my old uni.
I guess.. Lately I've just been working actively on a lot of societal issues that simultaneously hit very close to home. And my friends' complete disconnect and limited engagement with these issues just.. I guess it kinda scares me. That they won't understand, that, in the face of their very concrete challenges and limited free time, all of these social issues will seem very... Insignificant.
submitted by Progress-Special to TwoXChromosomes [link] [comments]


2020.09.26 02:21 hartbeater FIL slapped me and never apologised. Ten years later should I cut him out of my 1yo DS's life?

Sorry if this post turns out long. it's based on a decade of growing dislike that has recently exploded and I really don't know what to do next.
My partner and I have been together for 11 years. We grew up far apart but met while studying at the same uni. We moved in together in a new city 1.5 years later. I always used to enjoy when we'd visit his parents - they were young when they had him and seemed so cool and fresh compared with my parents (15 years older). Eventually I became a little wary of his dad due to the normal male behaviours that young girls don't realise are wrong (hand lingering on waist when they try to move past you, hand briefly on leg at dinner), nothing enough to even mention to my BF but enough to make me cautious of him.
4 years in to the relationship came 'the incident'. BF's whole family was out celebrating a graduation. We'd been to a fancy slap up meal paid for by the dad, several pubs and ended up in a bar. I'm not going to lie, we were all really drunk but that was how it usually ended up with his family whatever the occasion. The next few moments I remember so clearly - the dad told a joke, I told him it wasn't funny and he gave me a hard slap across my face. I completely lost the ability to speak I was just so shocked. Never in my life had I ever had a hand laid on me (and I grew up with 2 big brothers!). My BF who was stood beside me said nothing. His brothers who had seen it said nothing. His mum came over and asked what happened. I said 'your husband slapped me' and she said 'her parents will never want to come visit us now'. Priorities!
I disappeared to the toilet and when I came back said I wanted to go home. I had a hand print across my face and was so confused that I had no support from anyone there. At this point the dad said that he had been trying to impersonate the penguin from the blues brothers??!!!?! And that he hadn't meant to slap me he was just enacting a scene from the movie. It only took 10 mins for him to come up with that one.
Years went by. No apology came. Resentment festered between my BF and me as he would not bring it up with his dad. He blamed his inaction on keeping the peace and what difference would it make anyway. I felt too confused and scared of being told I was making a fuss out of nothing. We kept on making the trips to visit his parents every 3 months or so, with the dad spending lots of money on food and drinks every time. I think I felt like I want in a position to complain because he was being so lavish with his spending. Really wish I had said something but often it's easier to avoid confrontation, as his family always do.
About 3 years ago, while visiting the parents over xmas, the dad tipped my glass up while I was drinking from it so it spilled down my top and clashed my teeth. I asked him what did he do that for, he said he wanted me to hurry up. I told him not to do that and took another sip, and he did it again. I said 'DO NOT DO THAT TO ME'. I took another drink and of course, he tipped my glass up again. I stormed out without saying a word, my BF ran after me and we had a huge argument over why he would just let his dad carry on doing that. It felt like such a display of control, and he'd gotten away with it, because he always does. The next day the dad came into my room when BF was showering and shut the door behind him. He said sorry for being a drunken fool and wanted a hug. I was so surprised and taken aback that he'd come into our room that I just brushed it off and said it better not happen again.
As a result, my relationship has suffered. REALLY suffered. Every argument we ever have always comes back to the events. Any time BF displays any tantrum-like behaviour I just see his dad and get more angry at him than he deserves. I'm so angry at myself that I didn't stand up for myself and defend myself. Over thought through different scenarios so many times. I find myself being quiet and probably quite rude to his family as it's all I think about when they're around. Now we have a 1yo baby and I feel fiercely protective of him. All the grandparents have visited but I feel sick whenever the ILs are around and want to hold him.
The ILs invited themselves over for the weekend and I made BF call them to cancel. I feel like if the dad felt entitled enough to lay a hand on me, what's to stop him doing the same to my baby? He gets away with so much and is such a controlling person. I have asked for a written apology as I know this will piss his dad off most. He's said he'll do whatever it takes to see the baby... This is the first time I feel like I'm in control and can be honest about how I feel about him. I don't think this man is a good influence and would feel better limiting visits to a few times a year with no staying over night.
What do I do once I get this letter? I'm already assuming it will be insincere as he'll make it seem I'm being unreasonable and making a big deal out of nothing. I have suggested a mediation session but I would want my dad and brothers there - not just his family who are used to putting up with his pathetic excuses.
Or do I just need to get over it? How? I can't imagine ever feeling any differently towards him!!
submitted by hartbeater to Justnofil [link] [comments]


2020.09.25 23:05 tefferhead I am 31 years old, make $107,582, live in Copenhagen, and work in epidemiology

Section One: Assets and Debt
Retirement Balance: Total is around $65700 spread out between my pension from my current job + Roth IRA + ~$4000 in a pension account from a country I lived in prior to moving to Denmark. I know I’m behind with this, the downside of moving often and working as a contractor for three years.
Equity if you're a homeowner: None, I’ve always rented.
Savings account balance: $25,186.28 in a HYSA, $5,164.73 in CDs
Checking account balance: $641 in my US-based checking account (used to pay some US-bills every month) and $13,858 in my Danish checking account.
Credit card debt (and how you accumulated it): None.
Student loan debt (for what degree): $44,365.65 left (down from $125,357.97) from Bachelors and Masters loans. My dad and I split college 50/50 – I had a full scholarship that covered the first year, my dad paid for two years under the condition that I lived in campus housing and maintained above a certain GPA, and I took out a loan for my final year. I'm a first generation college student (only one of my grandparents completed more than 9th grade and neither of my parents went to university) so college was always a non-negotiable for me. I worked about 16-24 hours per week in an on-campus job during undergrad. I went to a state school for undergrad and private school for my Masters – I worked full time during grad school but took out loans to cover the tuition.
Section Two: Income
Income Progression: I've been working in public health/international development for ten years. 2011: My first full time job after undergrad (during my masters) paid $16.50 an hour, and when I left 15 months later, I had gotten a raise of a whopping 49 cents, making my final total $16.99. 2013: I got a research assistant job next, which paid $17.50/hour (full time). While I worked this job, I also had a part time evenings and weekends gig on another community-based research study for another $15/hour, which was my favorite job ever. 2014: I took a leave of absence from the first research assistant job to do an internship for my masters abroad, which was partially paid for by a scholarship from my uni (around ~$3000) and also offered a $700/month stipend. Came back to the US briefly and then in 2015… 2015-2018: …I moved abroad again, this time as a contractor, where I made $45,000 the first year with small increases during my second and third years there. I ended making a little over $49,000 per year my third year. However, this position also included substantial allowances for education, housing, and shipping, for a total package of around $80,000. 2018: I moved to Europe and started a PhD program with a stipend of $35,484 per year. I left that program after a year to take my current job. 2019: The first year I made $100,463 per year, but this year, with my annual raise plus cost of living adjustments, the salary increased to what it is now. My salary fluctuates a little every month, since a portion of my salary is a rental subsidy (around $300) and cost-of-living adjustment, which changes with inflation rates and exchange rates. This also came with a relocation package and shipping allowance. I really love my current job, and although I sometimes get frustrated working within such a bureaucratic system, I look forward to where my future career can take me (both location-wise and career-wise).
Main Job Monthly Take Home: $8,021.59
Side Gig Monthly Take Home: None right now – by contract, I cannot take any outside employment. Any Other Monthly Income Here: None – my husband, F, lost his job a few months ago and right now gets around $3000 pre-tax in Danish dagpenge (a type of unemployment insurance that is privately funded. He paid into this while he was employed, and now can use it for up to three years or until he finds a new job) – but our finances are separate with no real plans to combine them. Rent we split proportional to our income, but most other things we just each chose some bills and pay them, and split groceries and entertainment pretty evenly, but we don’t really keep track and don’t nickel and dime each other.
Section Three: Expenses
Rent: $3256.77 – I pay $2100.99 of this, F pays $1,155.78. My work provides around $300 per month rental subsidy (included in the monthly take home pay). Before F lost his job, I took home twice as much as he did per month, so we felt it was fair to split rent like this.
Renters and property insurance: F pays this once a year (he pays because it’s offered on discount as part of his union fees, and because it covers his very expensive sports equipment)
Retirement contribution: $928.33 from each paycheck. I pay 7.9% of my monthly gross income, my work pays 15.8%, which is really great for someone who started really late with retirement savings. Savings contributions: After I built up my savings to around $50,000, (we bought a car recently so savings are a bit less now) I’ve been putting more towards my loans so I actually have not been intentionally saving anything lately, but usually end up with around $2500 left over at the end of the month.
Investment contribution: $6000 per year to a Roth IRA (I’ve only been doing this the past year). I usually make a transfer once a year from my Danish account to cover this.
Debt payments: My only debt is student loans. I paid off my private loans in 2017 and with 0% interest on the Federal loans, I’ve been channeling as much money towards them as possible the last few months. Since 0% interest began 6 months ago, I’ve paid more than $18,000 to my student loans – my minimum payment pre-covid was only $286 per month, so I paid about 10x the minimum. Until 0% interest ends, I plan on paying most of my paycheck to my loans. I hope to have my loans paid off by this time next year.
Donations: I don’t have any reoccurring donations but make a lot of random donations throughout the year. In August I donated $50 to a friend’s MS fundraiser, a bunch of books to a women’s collective in Copenhagen, and my work has an option during check out of the canteen to “Share the Meal” and add 10% on to your order as a donation to the World Food Programme. I Share the Meal any time I buy anything at work, and usually end up donating around $5-10 per month that way. F and I also volunteer once a month with Danish Refugee Council.
Electric: F pays this
Internet: F pays this. It’s common for Danish workplaces to pay for household internet, so F’s work used to pay, but he assumed this bill after he lost his job because likely his next job will also cover internet.
Cellphone: $27.22/month. It’s a deal through work and is deducted from each paycheck before the monthly amount above.
Subscriptions: $15.77 HBO MAX Nordic (only in the winter months), $13.10 Netflix (I pay and share with my sister and Dad in the US)
Gym membership: $53.08/month for unlimited Power Yoga.
Car payment / insurance: $1,145.18 once a year for car insurance. We bought a new car this year and paid cash for it – one benefit of being a diplomat is tax free vehicles! In Denmark, where car taxes can be up to 180%, this is a huge benefit!
Medicine: $1.99/month
NYT Crossword App: $39.99 per year.
Intro: This is a follow up diary to my last MD, which I wrote just shy of a year ago. A lot has changed since then! The good – F and I eloped in late spring, we bought a car, and I made some friends. The bad – I haven’t seen my family in a year and F lost his amazing and interesting job in early summer in the first round of COVID-related firings at his work. Since then, the mood has been pretty low in our apartment. He’s been unemployed before (a downside to all the moving in development work is that there can be huge gaps in between contracts and jobs) so we don’t know how long this round will last. We know we are so fortunate to be able to still afford our lifestyle, and I know so many people have it way worse, but it still is incredibly difficult to see the one you love feel as though they are worthless when they lose a job.
Day 1 - Saturday: $70.03
8:20am – Wake up early and head to a Power Yoga class that’s a ten minute bike ride from my apartment. I always arrive super early so I can read and stretch before class starts. I’m about 3/4 through Girl, Woman, Other by Bernardine Evaristo and it’s such an interesting book.
10:00am – Out of yoga and head to the bakery to grab some fresh pumpkin seed bread and to the grocery store for small things like avocados and orange juice. We make breakfast (bread and avo with scrambled eggs and spinach and a fruit smoothie) and decide to take a drive to the north cost of Sjælland today. $12.83
12:15 – We get ready for the day and head out. F drives. On the way, we stop at a bakery, each get a pastry, and sit in the sun outside for a bit and read. $7.01
2:00pm – When we are about 20 minutes away, it starts to downpour. We had planned a short hike, but it won’t be fun to walk in the rain and neither of us brought a rain jacket, so we turn around and head home. I browse Instagram and see one of my favorite shops is having a sidewalk sale. My good friend T just moved into a new apartment after a horrible break up and mentioned one time that she loved the mugs there. F drives me there and I scoop up two mugs for her at half price. I’ll give them to her at her housewarming brunch next weekend. $39.83.
3:15pm – F and I eat some leftover pasta from dinner last night and relax on the couch and read for a bit. We light some candles and play a game of backgammon and a few games of Hive and drink some coffee. I secretly love rainy autumn days. We watch an episode of the Sopranos. Neither of us feels much like cooking tonight, so we decide to order pizza from this new place we discovered. The owner is always watching Italian soap operas and the Pope on Sundays, so we know he is legit.
6:15pm – F goes to pick up the pizzas. We end up with tons of leftovers, super convenient since tomorrow will be busy. I get ready to meet my friends out. I try to encourage F to call one of his friends or to see his brother, but he has been extremely down this week and doesn’t want to see anyone. He had a second interview for a job he didn’t end up getting last week, so this week has been especially rough. He is naturally an introvert, but it breaks my heart a bit to see him always at home these days.
8:15pm – I meet my friends out and have just one beer before switching to water. After T’s breakup, her and I made it a point to meet new people and make some friends. Between people from my Danish classes and her colleagues, we found a fun and diverse group of women our age that we’ve been seeing once or twice a week. Tonight, there are four of us from different countries there – Belgium, Poland, Italy, and me. $10.36
09:30pm – It’s last call at the bar. As of last Friday, bars started closing at 10 with masks worn inside unless you’re seated at a table. Denmark made it through the first wave of COVID without imposing masks or too many restrictions, but the past weeks the R value (the number of people one COVID-infected person is assumed to infect) is creeping closer and closer to 1 (under one is good, over one is very bad) which means more restrictions. We chat outside until 11ish when I ride my bike home and F and I chat and read before falling asleep.
Day 2 – Sunday: $96.20
09:30am – A slow start to the morning. Over coffee we chat about taking another mini road trip to Hamburg or Berlin in October if COVID allows us to travel (right now, Germany is on the ok’d list for Denmark). (Note – as of Wednesday, this is no longer possible since Germany does not allow travelers from the capital region in Denmark to travel to Germany).
12:00pm – T meets me at the parking garage and we head to IKEA, chatting about our night last night and plans for the week. I brought T to IKEA a week ago, and we ended up in here for more than four hours, so I really hope this trip turns out to be different.
1:30pm – T and I are on our way home, bags full of glass food containers, bath mats, and other essentials. We drive back into the city, chatting about her ex and how life is infinitely better for her now that she is single. $39.25
2:00pm – At 3, F and I have plans to go see my friend B and her husband, who just bought a house and are expecting a baby in January! I stop by my favorite bakery on the way back to drop T and get a chokolade trekant (a big pastry filled with marzipan and cream and covered in chocolate) to bring with us. $9.89
2:15pm – Back home, and F is back from his bike ride. We agree that he will shower while I run and pick up flowers to bring to B. I run down to the local department store that sells flowers outside. I grab a tiny bouquet of sunflowers and a tiny bouquet of these red flowers (#notabotanist), they’re two for 119DKK, or $18.99.
2:45pm – F and I meet at the car and drive over to B’s, which is in a part of Copenhagen that’s very suburban and a little far away. It is SUCH a nice home. I can see that F is feeling bad again. The morning he lost his job, we were supposed to meet with a housing agent to make an offer on an apartment. I think F still feels a lot of guilt over that happening, but honestly – I think it was for the best. The place we wanted was a little far from the city center and was awfully expensive for being in an area that isn’t so interesting or fun. We chat with B and her husband about work, life, buying a place, B’s pregnancy, and more. B is a friend from Danish class – she is German, but also married to a Dane. It goes really well getting the husbands and us together, and we agree that we have to do this again really soon.
4:30 – Leave B’s house and drive to a nearby grocery store. They’re having a sale on beer and candy (only in Denmark), so we pick up a few different kinds of both. I buy all the stuff I need to meal prep lunches for the week and dinner tonight. F pays for the beer and the fun stuff, I pay for the healthy groceries. $28.07
6:15 – While F makes dinner (pasta with peas in a lemon mascarpone sauce with a side salad), I make lunch for the week – a quinoa/red peppechickpea/tomato/cucumbered onion/parsley salad with a jalapeno lemon dressing. I portion them into my new glass containers and feel accomplished.
8:15 – After dinner, we start the movie Leviathan, a Russian movie that got very good reviews. I find the beginning tough to follow but it gets really good towards the middle. Around 9:45 we turn the movie off (it’s a long one) and will finish it this week at some point. We get ready for bed and read. Sleep somewhere around 11.
Day 3 – Monday: $5.28
06:30: Up showered dressed makeup. Doing six months of Accutane in my early 30s is the best thing I ever did for myself. My makeup routine now is just a light dust of Neutrogena powder foundation, Becca rose gold highlighter, Eyeko liquid liner, Benefit mascara. Takes two second.
07:00 – Can’t find my bike key, eat two pieces of toast with Lotus spread. I grab my mask and head to the train. Read a few pages of the book on the way.
07:45 – Arrive at work. The office has thinned out considerably since the Prime Minister’s last press conference where she encouraged everyone to work from home. Surprisingly, my work’s response has been super vague on this. Since I work for a multilateral, we don’t really fall under Danish public authority, so I guess my work thinks it can do what they want. Still, my boss, N, makes me choose two days a week I want to work from home. I pick Tuesdays and Thursdays.
08:30 – Work day passes relatively quickly due to meetings. I meet with N, who is more like an older brother than a boss to me some days, and we chat about his upcoming trip to see his fiancé who lives in another country and who he hasn’t seen since before COVID. He leaves Wednesday for more than 3 weeks. I’ll assume his role for the weeks he is gone, attending his meetings and responding to requests directly from our director.
12:00 – I grab my book and head out in the sun to read with my salad lunch. After reaching the last chapter, I open the NYT crossword puzzle app. This Monday is tougher than usual, but I finish – 17 Mondays in a row!
1:20 – Rest of the day passes quickly. N clues me in on everything he has been working on and ensures me he will be available even though he is on leave. I’m not really stressed at all, N is chronically stressed so he thinks everyone else is.
3:00 – Listening in on a huge virtual meeting while doing admin work I’ve been putting off for weeks due to preparation for this big meeting, where all our partners come together (virtually this year) to make some big decisions for programs and budgets in the upcoming year.
5:15 – I text with my mother-in-law, MIL, who I meet with once a week to have an informal Danish lesson. It’s been helpful to have these lessons, not just to improve my Danish but also to foster a good relationship with her independently of F. We get along really well and I really look forward to these lessons. I leave work and train home, carrying a computer screen for tomorrow’s first day of work from home. I run into F, who is on his way to the grocery store and sees how much I’m struggling with my screen. He takes the screen from me and walks it home and goes back out for groceries.
06:15 – F was planning on making quiche but forgot spinach. I run to the grocery store to pick it up along with some cottage cheese, and by the time I get back, F and MIL are together in the kitchen. I get the quiche ready for the oven, stick it in, and MIL and I sit down at the table to snakker Dansk. $5.28
7:30 – MIL and I talk in mixed Danglish while drinking some IPAs we bought yesterday until F takes the quiche out and we eat. Shortly after, we talk a bit more, and F drives MIL home so he can see his dad and their puppy.
08:00 – I clean up from dinner and read the rest of Girl, Woman, Other. I find it annoying that you can’t give half stars on Good Reads. I liked this book better than a 4 but very few books deserve a five. I give it a five anyway and think of looking at the next book but decide to video chat my sister instead.
10:00 – F gets home and into bed and we chat for a bit, he starts to read, but I fall asleep almost immediately.
Day 4: Tuesday - $33.19
06:30 – Wake up, morning routine, today is a work from home day. I cycle to a yoga studio (F found my bike key… in the coat I wore on Saturday!) and take a 7am vinyasa class with a hilarious instructor.
08:45 – Phone call with our program assistant, M. We end up talking about her husband’s 60th birthday before eventually landing on business. F heads out on a bike ride.
09:30 – A colleague texts me and asks if I could join a call she is having with colleagues in our Montenegro office at 10. She sends me three documents and I briefly glance at them before the call starts. Afterwards, I end up with a lot more work. Spur of the moment invitations that end with me having a lot more work seem to happen often, and I wonder if maybe I’m too agreeable at work.
12:00 – Do some admin work and answer emails, then have a quick lunch of the quinoa salad while reading. I pick up Where the Crawdads Sing, which I bought only a week ago even though I’ve seen it everywhere for months (years?).
2:00 – I have another meeting with my counterpart at our HQ office. He’s a nice guy so we end up chatting about life for a bit first. Last year, I was in Geneva about once a quarter, so this is the longest I’ve gone without seeing my friend and without Swiss chocolate.
4:00 – I knock off work early since it’s so nice out. F and I decide to take a long walk to a grocery store that’s in another neighborhood. We grab the stuff we need and an ice cream to eat while we walk home. $22.34
5:45 – On the way back, we pass my favorite cute store. I stop in and buy a fancy leather bookmark because despite reading so often, I’ve been using a crumpled paper bookmark I got for free at a bookstore in Stockholm for more than a year. $10.85
6:00 – F cooks while I lay in the hammock on the terrace and read. This book is already really good and I’m only on the third chapter. We eat dinner (broccoli fritters in a wrap with hummus, spinach, tomato, pepper, and lots of hot sauce) and play Rummy outside. September nights like this make me totally forget that in two months it’ll be pitch black at 4 pm.
9:00 – I clean the kitchen and do the NYT crossword. Today’s theme is Black Panther. It’s tough but I finish! Two day streak! F’s nephew is turning 7 on Friday, so I text his sister in law and ask what we can bring. She suggests ice cream and chocolate – easy enough! Night time routine (Omorovicza products are seriously my vice) and hop into bed and read.
11:30 – My phone pings with an urgent request from our director at work regarding some talking points for her for a meeting tomorrow. Luckily, I’m still awake reading (I’m more than halfway done with Crawdads) and put something together quickly for her, send it off, and head to bed.
Day 5: Wednesday - $83.67
06:30 – Wake up, shower, breakfast. I quickly email my colleagues in Montenegro some information for our follow up call this morning. Since we’re meeting at 8, I decide to take the call from home then head to the office.
09:30 – Call is over so I get on my bike, beautiful weather again. On the way, I stop by the dry cleaners and drop off a few things. The price shocks me ($40.93 for two pairs of pants and a dress), but since they only take cash and I have no cash on me, I decide to pay when I pick them up on Monday.
10:15 – I arrive at work and on my desk is a parking ticket from when we visited a national park in July. Since my car was purchased using diplomatic privileges, any mail relating to the car is sent to my office, including parking tickets, I guess. OOPS. Apparently authorities took a picture of our license plates and only billed us now. $26.74
11:45 - Run down to the mailroom and mail the last three of our wedding thank yous. Even though we eloped, so many people have been so kind sending gifts that have been long delayed by COVID post times so it seems like our wedding is never ending! $14.17
1:30 – On the way back to my desk, I pick up an iced coffee from the café. A call with colleagues in Ukraine leads to a pretty big assignment with a quick turnaround time. I really enjoy doing work with different country offices though, so it doesn’t bother me at all. I send a quick summary of action items from the call and get to work. ($2.36+$0.25 share the meal donation).
2:00 – Last week, a student wanting to work in public health reached out via LinkedIn for some career advice. I invited her to the office to have a coffee and chat. Turns out she doesn’t drink coffee, but I grab another one and we chat in the café anyway. My imposter syndrome is getting the best of me and I feel like I’m not experienced enough to be giving career advice, but at the same time wish that I had the foresight to do stuff like this when I was a student. ($2.36+$0.25 share the meal donation)
4:00 – I head out of the office and cycle home. The weather is so beautiful and I never want it to end. F meets me at the park and we lay out on a blanket and read for an hour. I’m flying through Crawdads.
5:00 – I stop by Sephora and pick up a new mascara on the way home. For dinner, we roast some vegetables and toss them with some chickpea pasta with a side of maple balsamic brussels sprouts. We eat on the terrace. $37.54
6:15 – Tonight is a two class yoga night, power flow then yin. Home around 8:45, quick shower, and in bed to finish Crawdads. I give it five stars on Goodreads and go down the rabbit hole of negative reviews of the book. Valid criticisms, but I still liked it!
Day 6: Thursday - $0
7:00 – Up later than usual since I work from home today. Start a load of laundry and make an almond milk latte. Email a consultant about some lingering things. Thursdays are my longest day and I start my new level of Danish class this evening. Eat a slice of banana bread that I defrosted last night (love finding secret baked goods in the freezer)!
8:30 – Make a massive bowl of zucchini oats with cinnamon and homemade applesauce stirred in. Eat breakfast, respond to emails work.
10:00 – Work on the Ukraine project from yesterday. Takes the better part of the morning and I’m still not done. I want to finish this by the end of the day since I like having relaxed Fridays.
12:00 – Have a quick lunch and then head out for a doctors appointment at 1. I’ve recently been having some side effects from a medication I take (like inability to focus, difficulty sleeping, constantly hungry). I visit the doctor and she confirms that there’s something very wrong with my thyroid, and she suggests I take a sick leave from work and tells me to get blood drawn every other week so they can monitor my thyroid hormones. I don’t think a sick leave is necessary right now, but I think I’ll talk to my boss N about it when he gets back from holiday. The doctor told me I should take it really easy and work from home if I can’t take a sick leave, so I might do that.
2:30 – Feeling a bit off since that appointment, I ride home through a neighborhood with a lot of independent shops and browse but buy nothing. I go home and chat with F about the appointment. He is really good about making me feel better.
4:00 – I send off my work to Ukraine and hope for the best.
5:30 – Eat a quick dinner and head out to Danish class.
6:30 – I see my friend from the last course, A, and take a seat near her. The class is more than 3 hours long, and once you get to the B2 level, most people are relatively confident in their speaking. I feel very confident in reading and writing, but speaking is so difficult and I get self-conscious. The new teacher is okay – I liked the last one more. I text my MIL about the new Danish teacher.
9:45 – Class is over. On the way out I chat with two women in the class who suggest we get drinks together soon. I love that idea! More new friends!
10:00 – I’m home and in my apartment and make some quinoa to take to work tomorrow with leftover veggies from the week. F is out on a run. I skype with my childhood friend in Seattle, I haven’t seen him in more than five years so we work out a time when we could potentially visit our hometown at the same time. We think it might happen in March (COVID permitting).
12:00 – Eventually fall asleep after F gets home. He’s been in a much better mood today!
Day 7: Friday - $0
7:30 – Oof, woke up super late. Three ingredient banana pancakes to the rescue along with some homemade applesauce I made the other day. It’s downpouring so F suggests I drive to work. I guess the nice weather is over.
9:00 – I get into work, take my coat off, and the fire alarm rings telling everyone to evacuate. I put my coat back on, pack up my things, take my car key and head to the parking garage to leave for the day. There are fire engines outside of the building, so this won’t be a short wait outside in the cold, wet, Copenhagen autumn rain.
9:30 – Back at home and have a few phone calls. I only have two big tasks today, but my attention span has been really bad lately (which I found out is a symptom of hyperthyroidism, so it’s all starting to make sense!). All I have to do is listen to a Teams meeting (not even talk… just be there), write up a short analysis of a proposal that was sent to us, and put together some slides for a keynote address to be given by someone higher in the pecking order than me.
12:00 – Break for lunch, having done not much but listen to the meeting and open a PowerPoint and Word file. This afternoon won’t be fun.
1:30 – Power through the rest of the day. Create a few slides, write what I need to write, send it off, chat on WhatsApp with my boss, talk with our program assistant on the phone, and before I know it it’s after 5 and F is telling me we have to go (the Danes are nothing if not punctual, and if the dinner starts at 5:30 then we are late if we aren’t there at 5:30 exactly).
5:40 – Arrive at brother-in-law and SIL’s place, they live in this super posh penthouse on the water. SIL’s parents are there, and her mom has always been really nice to me. SIL’s parents give us some nice wine as a wedding gift – we haven’t seen them in almost a year!
10:00 – The night passes quickly because it’s so enjoyable. I always get very nervous to go to these all-Danish gatherings, but they always turn out fine and tonight I even felt a connection with F’s four-year-old niece (I guess my Danish is equivalent to four-year-old Danish). She seems to really like me and it makes my heart grow ten sizes. We take the metro home and end the night chatting in bed. It’s been a good week.
------------------------------------------
Weekly Total: $288.37
Food + Drink: $101.00
Fun / Entertainment: $0 (although a lot of the food/drink I put under entertainment in my personal budget, but the way this template classifies fun/entertainment it’s not)
Home + Health: $39.25
Clothes + Beauty: $37.54
Transport: $26.74
Other: $83.84
Lastly, reflect on your diary! This was a pretty normal week for me. We usually cook at home and I normally bring lunch but am definitely guilty of buying coffee at work. I don’t go out so much during the week (mostly because my weeks have just been so busy lately) but on the weekends I love a good drink or dinner out. I would love to have my loans paid off by this time next year and if I try a bit harder than I have been, it’s a definitely possibility. I have to say I don’t even mind spending on fun/entertainment lately since a big priority of mine is to have and make friends, and a big part of that is having dinner a drinks out so I am 100% okay with spending on that right now. Maybe next year it will be different 😊
submitted by tefferhead to MoneyDiariesACTIVE [link] [comments]


2020.09.25 22:07 mintOTL I don’t understand why I’m doing so bad and I just feel so tired...

I’m a third year currently in Toronto. I thought online courses would not affect me dramatically because I like the fact that I could go back to watch the recordings and I’m an introvert. I’m living with my partner so there’s no annoying family problems. I made a weekly schedule to spend different days focusing on different courses (I’m in 5 courses now and I’m learning French outside uni everyday). But now i haven’t watched two weeks’ content of my TWO asynchronous courses, needless to say the readings; I enrolled into csc108 this week and I only watched the first week’s recording so I lost 2.5% already on not doing this week’s prepare and perform.
This is the worst feeling. If I don’t care about the courses and bombed I wouldn’t feel this bad. I felt more tensed and care about school than ever before, but apparently I did something wrong. Now I feel powerless not knowing what should I do. Maybe I cared too much about studying to actually spend time studying. Maybe I spent too much concern on deciding courses after the school began. It’s hard for me to decide drop courses, especially at the beginning because the topic are all interesting to me. Five courses are already the result after a lot of back and forth dropping but maybe I have to admit it’s still too much for me. In the past I took 3 or 4 courses per semester and take the summer courses, but I want some time off next summer so I’m taking more than before. It’s only the beginning of the semester and I’m already lost. I think others could see my problem way better than myself so I’m here asking for help. I really don’t know what should I do and I can’t sleep at night despite getting out of the bed early so I’m extra tired. I hope it won’t be too much a pain to read my post because my head is full of cotton now. I would appreciate any replies, thank you. 😢
submitted by mintOTL to UofT [link] [comments]


2020.09.25 21:20 scar_throne2901 19M Have a crush on another bi dude / dating him advice

I have a crush on this Bi dude. We basically interned at the same company, but we moved out to different branches.
Basically today we kinda ended up outing to each other on a vid call session.
I just casually said I’m Bi and he said me too. Then I kinda asked him causally what would he have thought if I asked him out if we were in the same branch together // during the time we were together working for the same people and he said no, cause he didn’t want his orientation to be exposed (which I’d understandable)
When I asked him like, his types of guys and physical wise and tried to hint what he thinks about me, he said he has no physical preference as long as his “partner” understands. I use “partner” because he said he’s not sure if he’s ready for a relationship now because he thinks he’d fit more into it at Uni.
I’m honestly comfortable with it. I’m not gonna push him for a relationship even though I crave to be in one.
We video called from 12am to 3am. (rn basically) and at the end of the last 10 mins, we gave each other cute nicknames to save as our contact list and I asked him out on a one to one meetup for lunch // subtle date and he said yes.
How do I go about this ? He’s a very close friend of mine and he’s the only person that has ever understood me this well, I don’t wanna fuck it up by making him feel like “We need to be something”
I’m not even gonna pressure for Sex since we’re both virgins. I just really like him for how he is and he basically has comforted me a lot, he gives me boyfriend vibes. We also smiled and laughed quite a bit during our video call
Any advice ? TIA
submitted by scar_throne2901 to askgaybros [link] [comments]


2020.09.25 19:34 Ineedathrowaytokeep I'm so mad about our finances, and I don't know how to approach this.

This is half a throwaway account I just keep this and my main separate.
Tl:DR I'm so mad about by partner lying about their financial situation that I want to scream at them, a simple conversation would have solved this issue. I don't know how to confront the issue in an adult manner
Past: he was in debt due to uni and credit cards, when we agreed to buy a house together it was on the provision he gets a loan instead of doing 0% balance transfers which just meant no progress happened. We are now in year 3 of 4 and the debt would be paid off by next year. It was a whole £10 more to pay the loan off with 1K extra in finances than catching up with the credit card payments.
Last year: His mother and I gave him 2k between us for his 30th to buy a really nice guitar. He spent about 1.2k on two guitars and accessories within that year. Not a problem.
Overview: I've been off sick for depression for almost 6 months and so has he, we've had a pretty terrible year but I'll not go into that. Most of his issues were due to work, but he managed to get another job so yay for him. I'll admit I was quite unsportive about this as. 1. He's moving to a small company (I have history in my career (same field) about these businesses going bust or not paying entire wages. And BREXIT/Corona etc just adds to my suspicion. 2. He never considered the logistics of getting there, as I have flexi time at work and I will be returning home every 3-4 hours for the dog (as agreed before we adopted him) which means I will need the car as he is incredibly unreliable about "getting home on time" (our last dog used to go to the toilet in the house due to desperation every time it was his turn to go walk him at dinner) plus new job will not allow flexi. 3. He never considered the payrise an issue in regards to travel time, transport and taxes.
He eventually admitted to me that he felt unsupported in the matter, after I had paid out of my own money to take our family away for 3 days (me, him and the dog) which meant going out for meals etc to celebrate and have one last chance of a holiday before he starts. (2 weeks ago)
OK, I wanted to do something better as we had missed our wedding and 6yr anniversary this year on top of a new job. I suggested if he wanted that we go out to a pretentious restaurant, smoke cigars and stay at a hotel for the combination of all three (I only leave myself £100 for me per month as he's allowed £400 due to wage [our joint finances are equal]). We don't have much leeway in our joint finances as they are arranged to just cover living costs and savings.
I wanted to surprise him but logic got the better of me and decided to have a serious conversation with him of I want to do XYZ for you but its a good chunk of money, are you sure you have enough money for next month (gap in changing jobs) and we can just have fun, or will you need some support for the joint? (1 week ago)
He said no, I have at least 1500 in savings that will be my share of the bills for the income gap...
Today: The daft bugger broke his glasses two weeks ago , so eye appointment and new glasses day (we had agreed that opticians and routine dentist are a separate personal cost when we first created a joint account as these are usually lump sums and interfere with the cash flow of the joint). The joint account is more to keep the house running. (mortgage/fuel/cainsurance/groceries)
Him: Grumble Me: well your last pair was 5 years ago so you had to buy some new ones years ago. Him: Yes, but now I'm in my overdraft. Me: But I thought you had savings?! Him: Yeah I bought a lot more whisky, beer and weed over the last few months with being at home. So... That's it I'm in my overdraft again.. Me: You've invested in £400 of shares and spent 1k in weed and whiskey in the last week?! Him: No I've invested £400 last month, but I've overspent on beer etc over the last 3... Me: So why didn't you tell me before I spent £500 on two weekends away and a fancy dinner when you can't put money in the joint this month??!! Him: Well I assumed you used your savings, what's the issue? Me: I can't afford to put both of our contributions into the joint this month because of the treats, plus I paid for our new dog, his food/bedding and vet bills for this month as he's not in the "joint" budget yet.. Him:.... Me: I can't afford your share what do we do? Him: Our joint credit card it comes out on the 28th... Me: its not the 28th yet, plus your new job means you won't get paid til the 1st. Me: Why didn't you say you couldn't contribute 2 weeks ago?! I probably had enough to cover our bills, now I only have £50 spare... Him: But you normally have 1.5k in savings too, what happened to yours? Me: I put the deposit on our new car(1k) (March) and adopted our dog (£250) (August), I haven't had much savings for a while I just wanted you to feel special for a couple of days not put us in debt...
Now I wouldn't be as annoyed if he also bought two bottles of whisky, a months worth of weed (which I don't smoke- and usually not an issue), £50 in expensive beer this week.. Then new (essential spend) glasses I mean come on... This conversation could have happened at least 2 months ago when he got the new Job, that we had to be careful with the finances in order to minimise this month's impact. As it was my belief that he would have a partial wage this month, not that he received it in a lump sum and spent it..
I am so angry I have no idea how to address this matter.
I'm going to have to extend my overdraft to pay his share of 1.1K this month, without warning. Tomorrow is my payday I pay for the dog as well as usually contribute to the joint. I don't earn 2.3 times our joint contribution.
I could dip into our dogs savings but It won't help much.
I'm so frustrated I could scream.
How can I be an adult about it?!
I'm so mad I could just stab him and claim on our life insurance.
Edit.
I get paid on the 27th, our credit card comes out on the 28th in full.
He will get paid 1st November
Edit 2:
The reason I got involved with his finances originally was because he always saw his overdraft/credit limit as HIS money. When in reality its borrowed money, he could not see that.
Since my original interference, its credit card/loan in full. Savings, and "Play money" (money within your means on a separate account that is entirely yours/their's to keep the temptation away from spending your savings).
submitted by Ineedathrowaytokeep to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.25 17:28 CoinjoyAssistant Crypto Weekly News — September, 25

Cryptocurrencies

Bitcoin Is About To See Its Largest Quarterly Options Expiry Ever
One factor that could contribute to cryptocurrency instability shortly is the inevitable expiration of 87,000 quarterly BTC options contracts. Traders who roll back these positions or close them before the close may cause some turbulence.
Ripple Expands Partnership With Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation Via Mojaloop
India's leading digital payment platforms PhonePe and Ripple have joined as sponsor members. As a sponsor, Ripple will contribute to the development of strategic vision, corporate governance, and technical guidance to ensure the long-term health and growth of the Mojaloop open source community.
IOTA: First SOCIETY2 Product Will Be Available To Use Very Soon
As announced, Secrets will be a messaging app that will allow its users to send private peer-to-peer messages and add users to a private group. The first product of the ecosystem is in the final stages of development.
IOTA: Eclipse Foundation Makes First Commit For Tangle Marketplace Project
The Tangle Marketplace received its first commit from the Eclipse Foundation. As part of a collaboration between IOTA and the Tangle EE Working Group, the project aims to advance use cases in the digital economy through the IOTA Tangle. Besides, the team is also developing the Unified Identity project.
SUSHI Faces Massive Sell-Off Following Uniswap’s Token Launch
SUSHI was among the worst-performing cryptocurrencies this week. This is because Uniswap launched its UNI token. Sushiswap fell just over 16% in 24 hours. On Thursday alone, the SUSHI/USD exchange rate fell more than 10%, trading at $1.357 per token.

Projects and Updates

BitMart Exchange Partners With Top Cybersecurity Solutions Provider
The partnership with cybersecurity firm Hacken should make cryptocurrency trading more secure. BitMart Exchange calls the new development a revolutionary innovation. The new technology will monitor the security of the platform while ensuring that the site is resilient to future hacking attempts.
VeChain Presents VerifyCar At BMW Group’s ‘Digital Innovation Day’
The blockchain-based platform will collect vehicle data such as mileage, repairs, and additional services. The decentralized app will run on the VeChainThor blockchain, which will provide security and data protection. BMW emphasizes that VerifyCar users will have more control over their data.
Bitfinex Adopts Lightning Network’s ‘Wumbo Channels’
The platform has opened three Wumbo Channels to avoid the inherent Lightning Network bandwidth limitations of 0.1677 BTC. Each channel has a limit of 5 BTC. According to representatives of the exchange, these are the largest channels in the Lightning Network.
Binance Creates ‘Innovation Zone’ To Let Only Select Users Trade New DeFi Tokens
Binance is positioning the new service as a safe haven for trading high volatility DeFi assets. Binance CEO Changpeng Zhao noted that the platform needs to add new popular tokens to remain competitive.
KuCoin Establishes Strategic Partnership With Poloniex To Elevate Digital Asset Exchange Industry
The initiative involves the creation of a research organization. Representatives of the sites note that the cooperation will help them make the most of the opportunities of the cryptography and blockchain industry.

Hacking

KuCoin Group Issues A Warning About Phishing Sites
Users are warned that kucoin-exchange.net is not affiliated with KuCoin Group and is a fraudulent domain. To avoid these types of scams, users are asked to be careful and avoid links from domains similar to the official ones.
Twitter Tightens Security Ahead Of US Presidential Election
Additional measures include stronger passwords, password reset protection, and two-factor authentication. The service will also update the internal system to quickly respond to suspicious activity.
Korean Police Summon Bithumb Chairman For Fraud Investigations
According to the police, Lee Jung Hoon organized a pre-sale of the native Bithumb BXA token, which never made it to the listing. The estimated damage to investors was around 30 billion won (~$25 million). The second charge is related to the overseas real estate of the chairman of the exchange. Law enforcement agencies speculate that Hoon was tax evasive.
Australian Man Caught Mining On Supercomputers Avoids Jail
In 2018, Jonathan Khoo worked as a contractor for the Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organisation (CSIRO). Using two government supercomputers, he mined Ethereum and Monero worth almost $6,897 in a month. Mining cost the agency $56,133. The man faced 10 years in prison, but the judge took into account his confession, loss of a job, and no criminal record. Khoo was assigned 300 hours of community service and psychological counseling.
That’s all for now! For more details follow us on Twitter, subscribe to our YouTube channel, join our Telegram.
submitted by CoinjoyAssistant to u/CoinjoyAssistant [link] [comments]


2020.09.25 17:16 adhdbpdisaster How can I help my FtM boyfriend through emotional changes with HRT dose changes?

Hi there! I love my boyfriend to bits and pieces, and I want to do my best to help him and be the best partner I can be. He’s been on T and blockers for a while now, but only recently got his T dose upped. It’s only been a few days, but I can already see he’s struggling with some emotional issues. He also has some problems with anxiety and I know that starting uni will be a stressful time too. I don’t want to assume I know what’s best for him as I’m not on HRT. I don’t know what it’s like. What can I do to help him through this, especially the emotional aspects?
If it helps, I’m nonbinary, but again, that experience is totally different from being ftm. Any advice is appreciated!
submitted by adhdbpdisaster to asktransgender [link] [comments]


2020.09.25 12:19 vanillamilly My story and feeling like an awful mum

I don’t even know where to start but this will be a long story. I had my daughter at 28 weeks 2 weeks ago and she’s currently in nicu. I can only see her once a week and it’s killing me, I feel like such a bad mum. To avoid confusion as I know this audience is predominantly American, I’m English. I’ve never told my full story but I will try too as I think it will help.
I was born 32 years ago addicted to heroin, I was in hospital for weeks whilst I was put through withdrawal. My mum was and is a heroin addict, I never knew my father and my mum didn’t know either (she was working as a prostitute to support her habit so it’s likely he was a “client”.) my mum and my Nan were estranged. However when I was born, social services managed to contact my Nan and informed her of my birth. I was sent to live with my Nan who had custody of me all of my life. She was amazing, I consider her my mum and called her mum but to avoid confusion il refer to her as my Nan. She worked full time and provided an amazing childhood for me, she made sure I stayed in school and even helped me through uni as her dream was to see me graduate.
At 20, I met my husband whilst at uni. He WAS amazing. He was so supportive of me and he was lovely, my Nan loved him. I graduated at 21 (the same time as him) when we graduated we both went to live with my Nan to save up for a deposit for a mortgage. At 23, we moved out but still lived local to my Nan. I was working as a legal secretary and he was working as a quantity surveyor and we had finally saved enough to buy a home.
At 24 we got married and had our first child when we were 25 (who is now 7) I returned to work 8 months after his birth and things were amazing still. At 27 I had our second child (who is now 5) this time I became pregnant again unexpectedly very soon after and I was suffering very bad with post natal depression. I was put on antidepressants as a result. My waters broke early and I got sepsis and I had to have an emergency c-section at 26 weeks. She lived for one day but unfortunately, the infection took over her body and she died in nicu. This devastated me and I’m still heartbroken, and this is where things started to turn bad in our relationship.
My husband blamed me for her death because I was taking anti depressants even though my doctor said it was safe and says it wasn’t a factor at all in her death. Although I can’t help feeling guilty as he has got it into my head over these years that it was my fault.
He began controlling me. It’s better if I just bullet point what he did and what I wasn’t allowed to do: -He would force me to have sex with him if I didn’t want to have sex. He forced me to have sex 5 days after my c-section which was 4 days after my daughters death. -He wouldn’t let me return to work as he thought I was cheating. -He began beating me for small things like not having his dinner done on time or not having the house cleaned to his liking. He didn’t do this in front of the children initially but then he started to do it in front of them despite them screaming at him to stop. I ended up in a&e several times but I always told them fiction about how it happened. He also used to put his cigarettes out on me. -He would accuse me of cheating if I went out alone even to the shops with the kids to the point were I just did not go out because I was afraid of his accusations because he would beat me. -I wasn’t allowed to see any friends, he estranged me from them all and replied to their texts being nasty to the point were they didn’t want to be friends with me anyway. -I was only allowed to see my Nan with him present. -He had complete financial control, I had no money. He paid all the bills and groceries, I wasn’t allowed to have any input. I had to beg him to buy the children clothes. When my Nan gave me money for birthdays etc even when she gave the kids money for their birthdays, he would take it off of me/them. -He would cheat on me and video the sexual encounters and make me watch them. -He told me if I tried to leave him he would get custody of the children and kill them in their sleep. -He got me pregnant a further two times when I told him I didn’t want another baby. He wouldn’t let me be on birth control and he wouldn’t have protective sex with me. He would force me to have sex or I would just submit because it was easier than getting beat then raped. He wanted me to be pregnant because in his mind if I was pregnant, then I couldn’t cheat or leave him.
My Nan knew something was up but I never admitted it to her but she just knew. She begged me to move in with her and bring the kids. She offered me money to get out of it. She tried her best to get me out of the situation but I was too stupid and stubborn to listen to her and it’s my biggest regret because she died knowing the situation I was in. She died a year ago and left me a large sum of money from her house sale. When I got this money, I got it taken from me by my husband who said he put it into our house to reduce mortgage payments but I have no idea if he really did this or just kept the money.
I have a 7 year old, a 5 year old a 1.5 year old and a newborn who is in nicu because of prematurity and is expected to be there until late November at the earliest.
4 months ago I decided I had to leave, I was pregnant and he was abusing me and broke my ribs in front of my children. I tried for several weeks to leave but I couldn’t as I had no money.
I was desperately looking for his bank card or any money and in his underwear draw, I found an envelope containing £2000 in cash. I quickly packed a bag for me and each of our children, a supermarket carrier bag. I took the cash, the children and our possessions and I left.
I got on a train and went to its final destination which was 100 miles away from our home town (where we were living) we stayed in a hotel whilst I looked for somewhere to live. I was able to put a deposit down to rent a 2 bedroom flat which was all I could afford which we are in now and I don’t care that we haven’t got much space I’m just so thankful I’m away from him and safe I love this new place because it’s safe.
I admitted the children to a new school and the fresh start was going well. I had to claim benefits because I didn’t have an income and I couldn’t get a job as I was pregnant and had a young child. The benefits mean that the rent on this place is paid and although I don’t have a lot, I have money to at-least survive and I’m so thankful to the gouvernements support system for that.
When we got on the train, I chucked my phone away and I got a new phone and sim. I haven’t heard from him, he doesn’t know where I am. He reported me missing and the police made contact with me, they visited and they went to him and told him I was safe but informed him that they couldn’t disclose my location but just told him that me and the children were safe. They advised him to take legal action if he wanted to see the children but told him that’s all he could do. He hasn’t (to my knowledge) taken any legal action because I haven’t received anything. To my knowledge he doesn’t know where I am, he has no way of knowing either nor does he have any way of messaging me. Of course everyday I live in fear that somehow he’s found out. I even found someone on social media that was advertising their dog for free (a German shepherd) and I took him in primarily for protection. He is an amazing dog and so protective of me and my children and makes me worry less.
I have no one around here, no friends nothing. I have an uncle and cousins who live in Australia but I’ve never met them and I’m not in contact with them either (I don’t even know how to contact them.)
My neighbour is helpful but she herself has 4 children (one who has cerebral palsy) and she works full time as a single mum so she’s very busy as you can imagine. She looked after my children whilst I gave birth two weeks ago. I barely know her but she came round when I moved in and told me to ask if I needed anything. When my waters broke early 2 weeks ago, I had no other choice but to ask her to look after my children. She did so for 3 days whilst I was in hospital which resulted in her having to take time off work and loose pay so she was not happy with this.
I self discharged 2 days after birth because I knew I needed to be at home and couldn’t keep expecting her to take time off to look after my children. My baby girl in nicu is thankfully fine and doing so so well, she’s not even on any oxygen.
I intend to start legal proceedings with my ex partner as soon as I can afford to, to divorce him and to get my share of the house so I can move on and rent/but somewhere more suitable. I intend to start work as soon as my newborn is six months old and can be put in to childcare.
However I can’t visit her at the moment, only once per week. My kids are at school during the day apart from my 1.5 year old and due to Covid, she isn’t allowed in the hospital at all. My child’s school has a nursery attached to it and I spoke to them about putting her in there but the prices are far too high and I can only afford one day per week which is £35. This means whilst she is at nursery (on Tuesdays) I have from 9-3 to visit my daughter in nicu. I spent 2 days with her after she was born and have seen her twice since.
I don’t really even know what she looks like, of course I phone everyday to get updates that’s how I know she is doing well. I wanted to use my milk but obviously I can’t so she’s having formula, I can’t cuddle her, I can’t nurture her, nothing. I feel like such a bad mum. I spend most days inside just crying looking at the few photos I have of her. I’m broken. It’s not just with her, I feel so sorry for my children at home too. They’ve seen a lot of abuse between my husband and me. It got to the point where my two eldest would stay up till 1am because they were scared he was going to “kill me” in their words and they’d try to get me to share their beds by pretending they were sick. They also pulled him off of me a lot of times, mainly when I was loosing consciousness and I would hear them say “get off my mummy” it broke my heart. I know I’m away from that situation now but the trauma I suspect, will stay with them forever. I just feel they deserve so much better. I’ve even considered adoption (of course I do not want too at all but I just feel they deserve a better mummy.) I’m not going to give them up of course, but I just sometimes think it would be kinder on them to do so because they deserve so much better than me.
submitted by vanillamilly to domesticviolence [link] [comments]


2020.09.25 11:14 vanillamilly Daughters in nicu and I can only see her once a week feel like an awful parent

TW domestic violence
I don’t even know where to start but this will be a long story. I had my daughter at 28 weeks 2 weeks ago and she’s currently in nicu. I can only see her once a week and it’s killing me, I feel like such a bad mum. To avoid confusion as I know this audience is predominantly American, I’m English. I’ve never told my full story but I will try too as I think it will help.
I was born 32 years ago addicted to heroin, I was in hospital for weeks whilst I was put through withdrawal. My mum was and is a heroin addict, I never knew my father and my mum didn’t know either (she was working as a prostitute to support her habit so it’s likely he was a “client”.) my mum and my Nan were estranged. However when I was born, social services managed to contact my Nan and informed her of my birth. I was sent to live with my Nan who had custody of me all of my life. She was amazing, I consider her my mum and called her mum but to avoid confusion il refer to her as my Nan. She worked full time and provided an amazing childhood for me, she made sure I stayed in school and even helped me through uni as her dream was to see me graduate.
At 20, I met my husband whilst at uni. He WAS amazing. He was so supportive of me and he was lovely, my Nan loved him. I graduated at 21 (the same time as him) when we graduated we both went to live with my Nan to save up for a deposit for a mortgage. At 23, we moved out but still lived local to my Nan. I was working as a legal secretary and he was working as a quantity surveyor and we had finally saved enough to buy a home.
At 24 we got married and had our first child when we were 25 (who is now 7) I returned to work 8 months after his birth and things were amazing still. At 27 I had our second child (who is now 5) this time I became pregnant again unexpectedly very soon after and I was suffering very bad with post natal depression. I was put on antidepressants as a result. My waters broke early and I got sepsis and I had to have an emergency c-section at 26 weeks. She lived for one day but unfortunately, the infection took over her body and she died in nicu. This devastated me and I’m still heartbroken, and this is where things started to turn bad in our relationship.
My husband blamed me for her death because I was taking anti depressants even though my doctor said it was safe and says it wasn’t a factor at all in her death. Although I can’t help feeling guilty as he has got it into my head over these years that it was my fault.
He began controlling me. It’s better if I just bullet point what he did and what I wasn’t allowed to do:
•He would force me to have sex with him if I didn’t want to have sex. He forced me to have sex 5 days after my c-section which was 4 days after my daughters death.
•He wouldn’t let me return to work as he thought I was cheating.
•He began beating me for small things like not having his dinner done on time or not having the house cleaned to his liking. He didn’t do this in front of the children initially but then he started to do it in front of them despite them screaming at him to stop. I ended up in a&e several times but I always told them fiction about how it happened. He also used to put his cigarettes out on me.
•He would accuse me of cheating if I went out alone even to the shops with the kids to the point were I just did not go out because I was afraid of his accusations because he would beat me.
•I wasn’t allowed to see any friends, he estranged me from them all and replied to their texts being nasty to the point were they didn’t want to be friends with me anyway.
•I was only allowed to see my Nan with him present.
•He had complete financial control, I had no money. He paid all the bills and groceries, I wasn’t allowed to have any input. I had to beg him to buy the children clothes. When my Nan gave me money for birthdays etc even when she gave the kids money for their birthdays, he would take it off of me/them.
•He would cheat on me and video the sexual encounters and make me watch them.
•He told me if I tried to leave him he would get custody of the children and kill them in their sleep.
•He got me pregnant a further two times when I told him I didn’t want another baby. He wouldn’t let me be on birth control and he wouldn’t have protective sex with me. He would force me to have sex or I would just submit because it was easier than getting beat then raped. He wanted me to be pregnant because in his mind if I was pregnant, then I couldn’t cheat or leave him. As soon as I had my 1.5 year old he made me have unprotected sex with him. I begged him not to get me pregnant as I had a c-section and my doctor told me not to get pregnant for atleast another year as my uterus tissue was thin and I would need another c-section due to having 2 already. Despite this he still got me pregnant and put my health at risk which he thought was funny.
My Nan knew something was up but I never admitted it to her but she just knew. She begged me to move in with her and bring the kids. She offered me money to get out of it. She tried her best to get me out of the situation but I was too stupid and stubborn to listen to her and it’s my biggest regret because she died knowing the situation I was in. She died a year ago and left me a large sum of money from her house sale. When I got this money, I got it taken from me by my husband who said he put it into our house to reduce mortgage payments but I have no idea if he really did this or just kept the money.
I have a 7 year old, a 5 year old a 1.5 year old and a newborn who is in nicu because of prematurity and is expected to be there until late November at the earliest.
4 months ago I decided I had to leave, I was pregnant and he was abusing me and broke my ribs in front of my children. I tried for several weeks to leave but I couldn’t as I had no money.
I was desperately looking for his bank card or any money and in his underwear draw, I found an envelope containing £2000 in cash. I quickly packed a bag for me and each of our children, a supermarket carrier bag. I took the cash, the children and our possessions and I left.
I got on a train and went to its final destination which was 100 miles away from our home town (where we were living) we stayed in a hotel whilst I looked for somewhere to live. I was able to put a deposit down to rent a 2 bedroom flat which was all I could afford which we are in now and I don’t care that we haven’t got much space I’m just so thankful I’m away from him and safe I love this new place because it’s safe.
I admitted the children to a new school and the fresh start was going well. I had to claim benefits because I didn’t have an income and I couldn’t get a job as I was pregnant and had a young child. The benefits mean that the rent on this place is paid and although I don’t have a lot, I have money to at-least survive and I’m so thankful to the gouvernements support system for that.
When we got on the train, I chucked my phone away and I got a new phone and sim. I haven’t heard from him, he doesn’t know where I am. He reported me missing and the police made contact with me, they visited and they went to him and told him I was safe but informed him that they couldn’t disclose my location but just told him that me and the children were safe. They advised him to take legal action if he wanted to see the children but told him that’s all he could do. He hasn’t (to my knowledge) taken any legal action because I haven’t received anything. To my knowledge he doesn’t know where I am, he has no way of knowing either nor does he have any way of messaging me. Of course everyday I live in fear that somehow he’s found out. I even found someone on social media that was advertising their dog for free (a German shepherd) and I took him in primarily for protection. He is an amazing dog and so protective of me and my children and makes me worry less.
I have no one around here, no friends nothing. I have an uncle and cousins who live in Australia but I’ve never met them and I’m not in contact with them either (I don’t even know how to contact them.)
My neighbour is helpful but she herself has 4 children (one who has cerebral palsy) and she works full time as a single mum so she’s very busy as you can imagine. She looked after my children whilst I gave birth two weeks ago. I barely know her but she came round when I moved in and told me to ask if I needed anything. When my waters broke early 2 weeks ago, I had no other choice but to ask her to look after my children. She did so for 3 days whilst I was in hospital which resulted in her having to take time off work and loose pay so she was not happy with this.
I self discharged 2 days after birth because I knew I needed to be at home and couldn’t keep expecting her to take time off to look after my children. My baby girl in nicu is thankfully fine and doing so so well, she’s not even on any oxygen.
I intend to start legal proceedings with my ex partner as soon as I can afford to, to divorce him and to get my share of the house so I can move on and rent/but somewhere more suitable. I intend to start work as soon as my newborn is six months old and can be put in to childcare.
However I can’t visit her at the moment, only once per week. My kids are at school during the day apart from my 1.5 year old and due to Covid, she isn’t allowed in the hospital at all. My child’s school has a nursery attached to it and I spoke to them about putting her in there but the prices are far too high and I can only afford one day per week which is £35. This means whilst she is at nursery (on Tuesdays) I have from 9-3 to visit my daughter in nicu. I spent 2 days with her after she was born and have seen her twice since.
I don’t really even know what she looks like, of course I phone everyday to get updates that’s how I know she is doing well. I wanted to use my milk but obviously I can’t so she’s having formula, I can’t cuddle her, I can’t nurture her, nothing. I feel like such a bad mum. I spend most days inside just crying looking at the few photos I have of her. I’m broken. It’s not just with her, I feel so sorry for my children at home too. They’ve seen a lot of abuse between my husband and me. It got to the point where my two eldest would stay up till 1am because they were scared he was going to “kill me” in their words and they’d try to get me to share their beds by pretending they were sick. They also pulled him off of me a lot of times, mainly when I was loosing consciousness and I would hear them say “get off my mummy” it broke my heart. I know I’m away from that situation now but the trauma I suspect, will stay with them forever. I just feel they deserve so much better. I’ve even considered adoption (of course I do not want too at all but I just feel they deserve a better mummy.) I’m not going to give them up of course, but I just sometimes think it would be kinder on them to do so because they deserve so much better than me.
submitted by vanillamilly to Parenting [link] [comments]


2020.09.25 09:28 Morgana_solo I don’t want to be a caregiver

Hi, I’m pretty new to reddit and to the world of mental health so I apologise if I don’t use the correct terms, it’s a very steep learning curve.
My SIL is undergoing diagnosis for a psychotic episode at the moment, assumed to be schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. She’s in her 30s and it’s the first episode she’s ever had, we don’t live in the same city as her so don’t see her often but it seems to have come on very suddenly. She’s hearing voices and calls 999 almost every night because the voices she hears (she calls them the controllers) tell her that someone is in her apartment. Her dad (age 60) has been staying with her and taking her to appointments as she lives next door to him, however he wants my partner to take over as caregiver. Obviously this is still very early days and she may respond well to treatment and might not need a full time caregiver, but my partner does not want to be his sisters caregiver. This makes us sound like horrible selfish people, but my partner has been through hell.
Will try and keep it brief - his mother has always been emotionally and mentally abusive to my partner since he was a child, and she had a mental breakdown when he was 17, his sister was 12. He became a full time carer for his abusive mother and raised his sister alone, their dad had a new family and would only take his sister on Saturdays. When my partner was 32 he moved out of his mothers house and went to university, which he was unable to do when he was younger due to his caregiver responsibilities. I should stress that when he went to uni his mother had fully recovered from her breakdown and had actually been looking after herself for many years, but every time my partner tried to live his own life she would threaten suicide and he would stay out of fear. We have been together for four years now, living together for two, and although he no longer speaks to his mother he is doing brilliantly. We both have exciting careers that we love, but they are demanding and can call us away for weeks at a time without much notice. In addition to this I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety earlier this year, and am on antidepressants myself.
This is why I’m so concerned about his dad’s request that my partner become his sisters caregiver. My partner put his life on hold since he was a child, and has only found the freedom to pursue what he wants to in the last couple of years. Now we potentially have to move to the other side of the country, leave the home we built together and give up our careers that we worked extremely hard for to care for his sister. He loves his sister and so do I, and we both want to be supportive. However my partner is also angry, as he raised his sister alone when he was only a teenager himself and his dad only helped one day a week. He feels like his dad tries to bail every time things get tough, and is frustrated that we are being asked to give up our home and careers to care for his sister when his dad and family live next door to her. His dad’s reasoning is that he wont be around forever, and his sister needs stability. We don’t know what to do. We love his sister, and we sound like the most self centred horrible people in the world, but we’re both finding the thought of changing our lives so drastically to be caregivers for her extremely overwhelming. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Can anyone offer any advice?
I’m sorry for the long post, we’re just feeling very overwhelmed and don’t know what to do
submitted by Morgana_solo to Advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.25 09:18 okoAlderman XT.COM CEO Weber was invited to attend Hacken’s online AMA Event

XT.COM CEO Weber was invited to attend Hacken’s online AMA Event
At 10:00 on the evening of September 24, XT.COM CEO Weber WOO and Haken, the world's leading cyber security consulting company, launched an online AMA with the theme of "Future Development of XT.COM". Weber talked about XT.COM's history, team, business development and attitude towards the development of the blockchain industry. When talking about the future market trend of XT.COM, Weber said, "XT will continue to explore markets in Europe, Southeast Asia, South Asia and South America in the future, and further strengthen XT's international market."
The community members actively presented their questions following the event. Congratulations to the four users u/Nos Tha u/brucelee199 u/DanielleStelle u/brunoiat, getting rewards for putting up questions.

https://preview.redd.it/dp6zmy7fv8p51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=e76a3bb2da20084b5074ee077347ab0446d5e430
For those missing the broadcast, Mr.XT has compiled the content for everyone~ Let’s get a review~
Host: Dyma Budorin Hacken CEO
Guest: Weber WOO XT.COM CEO
Dyma:Please introduce yourself a little.Where are you from?When were you involved in crypto?
Weber:Hello Hackeners. I am Weber Woo from the XT.COM exchange. I am glad to be invited here to share something about the XT exchange, XT team, and also myself. I am from Shanghai, China. When I was studying MBA at school in 2012, I read an article in Business Week about Bitcoin being very popular in Iran. Because of sanctions, many Iranians bought bitcoin to transfer their assets to overseas. That was the first time I heard about crypto.
Dyma:What experience do you have in crypto? Trading? Mining? Investing? Holding? Only positive experience or negative, too?
Weber:I will talk about my experience in Blockchain, and also my team.
In 2013, after my friends involved in Bitcoin, I also started to pay more attention to it. We began to mine Bitcoin.
From 2013-2016, we are more focused on mining and trading. We have 100,000 mining machines in our mining factory, located in Yunnan, Sichuan province in China. Of course, most of them are owned by our customers.
At the end of 2016, we started our mining pool business. Our mining portfolio included BTC, ETH, ETC, ZEC, SC, DCR. We had 5%of ETH computing power at the peak.
At the beginning of 2017, we invested a crypto exchange in China. But it was stopped in September 2017, because of China's new policies.
In the middle of 2018, we started the XT exchange in Seychelles, headquartered in HongKong.
Dyma:Have you ever been hacked?
Weber:I've never been hacked directly But lost my Bitcoin from the MT. Gox hack in 2014. That taught me a lot to keep crypto-assets safe.
The MT. Gox incident also reminded our team and me to take security measures very seriously when running the XT exchange.
Business
1.We know that XT has more than 1 millionn global users. You might have a big team. How many people? What idea does unite them?
Currently, XT has more than 80 employees comprised of the C-level team, technical developers, marketers, and business developers. More than 40% of our team have Postgraduate educational background. Our team comes from previous companies like Alibaba, Tencent, China Unicoin, Bosch, LG, and more.
Everyone on the team has a high level of understanding of what opportunities blockchain can and does provide for the world.
2.XT was introduced in 2018 — just in the beginning of crypto winter. Was it hard to start in such conditions? How did you motivate yourself and your colleagues?
Since XT started in a bear market, it was easier for us than other exchanges to stay agile and motivated.
We continued to grow our team and focus on building an exchange that protects its users and listens to what they want.
Understanding that just like any market, crypto goes through market cycles too. We stayed motivated and focused on being ready for the next bull market.
We already spend seven years in the blockchain industry. The bear market is an excellent opportunity to start a new business to save costs and talent recruits.
3.Is it really hard to be a Chinese crypto exchange nowadays?
As I said before, the XT exchange was registered in Seychelles, headquartered in HongKong. We are not officially a Chinese crypto exchange.
Half of our users are from other global markets than China. We are the most popular in Korea and Japan.
Of course, Crypto is still very popular in China, especially recently, with the rise of DeFi. Investors are smarter than 2017, but everyone is excited about all the new blockchain space developments.

https://preview.redd.it/91rmlsidv8p51.png?width=693&format=png&auto=webp&s=debd3e9f3c6bd5efad4b58589fe5e988179d7e19
4.Are your developers working on some new features? What should we expect?
Currently, XT is working on bringing new features to the exchange.
XT is the first social infused exchange that launched a Group Trading function in the BiYong App. BiYong is a social application focused on the Chinese market.
BiYong has more than 5 million users in total. We are the only partner for BiYong in Group trading. Users can trade within the social chatting app together as a collective.
I want to share some benefits for Group Trading.

https://preview.redd.it/4ephtzbcv8p51.png?width=753&format=png&auto=webp&s=191ca9c7e4d294159347d549b6ecd8cdb66ebbfe
This is how Group Trading typically works.

https://preview.redd.it/50opietbv8p51.png?width=753&format=png&auto=webp&s=aaddfb7071da6cb75f249927bbd8ae3591b39793
XT.com is launching a DEX.
We will launch DEX in quarter four this year. The product is still developing, so I cannot share more about it. We are glad to share it when it's ready.
Crypto future
1.Do you think the crypto winter is over?
With everything going on in the world currently, it is difficult to predict the future. I believe we are now in a bull market cycle, but things can change very quickly. We see different lengths of bear markets in the space as it grows. We must all pay attention to the trends and proceed accordingly.
2.Do you believe in the DeFi’s potential to make mass adoption closer? Why do you think it is so popular today?
The rise of DeFi has been incredible this year. Projects like LINK, UNI, YFI caught the attention of millions. The technology for real use cases has been implemented, and there is a real opportunity to get in on the ground floor for eager investors.
With the recent airdrop from Uniswap with their new token, UNI has only driven interest within the DeFi space. I believe it will take time, but DeFi is here to stay regardless if the market decides to cycle again.
We can see DeFi Locked Value in the past three years in the following pic. It's popular and here to stay.
https://preview.redd.it/utk4j4aav8p51.png?width=753&format=png&auto=webp&s=6a9d785c7e854ecc258c2c75f2458b5eceff20ac

3.What could you advise your users? What are the main risks in trading and investing today?
I advise anyone trading or investing in crypto to be smart.
The crypto market is a very volatile place. Using good risk management is critical to ensure the security of their funds.
Do not put all your eggs and one basket and only invest what you are willing to lose would be my recommendation, especially when it comes to altcoins.
I think that Bitcoin and Etheruem are the best low-risk long term investment options.
So I suggest you can divide your investment into 3 sections. For example, 40% in BTC and ETH, 30% for Top 50 altcoins, and 30% for HIGH risk projects if you are willing to take the risk.
We can see the risk from this picture.
https://preview.redd.it/8j9hvng5v8p51.png?width=753&format=png&auto=webp&s=e2ea47fa1cae0940e80048405d064d7726e6c6dc
4. What are your and your company long-term plans? Where will you be in 5 years?
Regarding the market, XT will continue to grow as we expand to more world markets like Europe, SE Asian, South Asian, and South America.
For compliance, we already had our MSB license approved in the US and will apply for more in different markets in the future.
On the business side, we will still focus on mining and the exchange. Of course, our CEX and DEX will be our primary focus in the years to come.
About Hacken
Hacken is a premier cybersecurity consulting company with an essential focus on cryptocurrency exchanges and blockchain security.
Website: https://hacken.io/
About XT.COM
XT.COM is the world's first social infused exchange. Users can chat in communities while knowing the market trend to invest. In XT communities, users explore valuable coins together.
XT.COM is building towards garnering loyalty and bring new potential for the development of the entire blockchain industry. To achieve better development, it is necessary to break the tradition with a fresh model.
XT Exchange not only empowers the blockchain industry but leads the industry with its innovation.
submitted by okoAlderman to XTExchange [link] [comments]


2020.09.25 04:24 georgibeans When did you share all your finances with your partner?

Me (F23) and my partner (M23) have been together (and lived together) for 2.5 years whilst studying at uni. We graduate this year and both have jobs with similar wages, he will earn 62k plus kiwisaver, I will earn 67k including kiwisaver. We are trying to sort out budgeting and finance, and I am unsure if we should pool our money and share all finances, or continue keeping things seperate (at the moment we have our own bank accounts, we use splitwise when spending). I was wondering what the norm is for most couples, and when in a relationship most people decide to share finances? Thanks very much!
submitted by georgibeans to PersonalFinanceNZ [link] [comments]


2020.09.24 22:05 ThrowRAgenericuser M (23). I think my cousin M(23) has a bunch of psychological problems, but instead of trying to fix it he just doubles down.

Sooo, this is going to be a bit of a mess, since it's kinda difficult to put it into words and english is not my native language, but here we go.
I have a cousin who is also my best friend and the closet human being that I've got. For various reasons we kind of grew up together and were inseparable up until the end of highschool? so much so, that I call him brother most of the time (I will refer to him as "brother" from now on). I know him better than anyone else and he knows all there is to know about me. So much so, that one time I sent him a hentai artist's name and asked to select some porn for me (trust me, it was urgent and very important, lol) and he chose perfectly without us discussing porn much prior. The thing is, I tend to notice things about him that others don't, and some of them worry me. My brother is extremly introverted, to the point that if it was up to him he would spend all day at home with his dog, videogames and anime. While he can socialize properly, and people really like him, social encounters and situations tire him to no end. This in and out of itself isn't a big deal in my opinion, but the thing is, he lacks any ambitions and doesn't have any aspirations. He is a peculiar case of being almost zealosly hardworking without any interest in what he's doing. For example, he's majoring in Internation relashionships but doesn't give a single fuck about his degree and actively despises his uni, while working harder and studying more than most of the people in his group. I've told him multiple times, that if he's not plannig on a diplomat carreer (which he isn't) he should just take it easy and focus on something that he'd enjoy as a career (in russian universities it's possible to major without giving much fucks about your education, trust me). He also never tried to get a job in university always saying that he doesn't have time for work because of his studies. Now I'll be speculating a bit, so bear in mind that it might not be true, but I think that my brother uses his studies as means to escape from reality and responsibility. Hear me out. He has been told numerous times to get a job by his family, since they were not doing so great financialy for a few years and he always shot this down because of studies that he doesn't really care about. My brother was pretty sheltered as kid and I think it is his way of staying away from adult problems. About two years ago he got himself a couple of doggos and now they've become his second favourite excuse. If people suggest to try something new to him he alweays shoots it down, because he doesn't have time (it's either dogs or studies). And believe me, he spends an unhealthy amout of time with his dogs, like playing with them for literal hours and insisting that this is necessary. Ithink he has a couple of huge problems, but my brother will never admit he needs help. He rarely shows his discomfort and too often retreats to a very polite mask. He never outright denies something, but just keeps saying "I'll think about it" with a smile. So if I say this stuff to him, he'll most likely deny everything. And another thing, i'm a bit concerned by the fact that he never expressed any interest in a romantic relationship whatsoever. I once asked if he is asexual, but he said he doesn't know and he just isn't interested in having a partner, which I find vaguely worrying as well. The question is, what should I do? Should I confront him and tell about my worries, and if so how should I tell him? Or maybe should I wait till the end of the Spring, when he finishes his major and see if it will change anything?
TL:DR My cousin and best friend probably has some issues with socializing and getting thrown into the world after university, and I don't know how to get him to talk about it.
submitted by ThrowRAgenericuser to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.24 20:44 uhredacted (21 f) i unintentionally keep hurting my partner and its killing me

i met someone in uni last year and i always had feelings for him but we became best friends first and then ended up dating. we dated for 2 and a half month and we’ve been in quarantine since then. we had a countless number of fights during this time and the bad ones like really really fkn bad ones and i was mostly always at fault. the thing with me is that i have rlly bad generalised anxiety disorder since birth and some really severe mental conditions i dont wanna name them rn but its not only hard for me but for people around me too to put up with them even tho ik they’re too kind to show it. moreover, i had selective mutism in my childhood which still has its influence on me and i have an extremely hard time communicating and expressing myself and putting my thoughts into words, this is also the reason that i know our communication is weak from my side which is mainly the cause of the fights. my thoughts are all jumbled up (which is always the case with me) so idk if i can go into detail rn but i’ll mention some main things so u can get the gist of it. the problems that we mainly face is something about my partner bothering me but instead of addressing it (because i think i’ll hurt his feelings or fuck the relationship up) i keep it to myself and then get distant, start thinking negatively of him and eventually explode. all the problems and fight that were caused because of this could’ve been easily avoided if i just spoke up!!! but i cant?? it feels like its physically impossible for me an it eats me up sm. another problem is that whenever he tried to help me with my issues that i mentioned i have above, theyre really really sensitive to me and as a result of that i get really defensive and aggressive which once again, is not fair to him at all. and when im aggressive during this time i refuse to admit i was at fault which i realize is really wrong when i’ve cooled down but everything between us is fucked by then. i have my own point of view too but his feelings and viewpoint matters equally. and now he feels distant and alone and he told me im no help when he’s going through something. (this also leads to another problem i have with that need a lot of time to gather my thoughts and put them into words so i freeze and dont know what to say to reassure him no matter how much i want to be there)
these are the major problems between us that keep repeating. but now the thing is i do realize all of this stuff and the other things that i do wrong too but why is it so hard for me to work on it even after promising him that i will work on it? in this way i will lose his trust if i promise him and keep repeating this. but idk why it gets out of control when im feeling really anxious and depressed. i’ve been known as a cold hearted since i was little and i care about him more than i have cared about anyone in my life ever im surprised i am even capable of loving someone this much. i love him more than anything in the world and im willing to do whatever it takes to get better and make an effort for him. and i do try but i dont know why i keep failing at it and its making me hate myself so much now. and he’ll end up losing feelings for me and i dont think i would be able to bear losing him. what we have is so beautiful but i dont want to lose it because of my mistakes that i genuinely want to work on but im so lost now i dont know what to do anymore. at times i feel like i should just let him go because he deserves so soo much better than what he’s getting from me? as much as i want him to be happy i dont think i can be the one to do it? seeing him upset because of me is so heartbreaking. how can i work on this?
submitted by uhredacted to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.24 16:03 malikkafurs Has anyone tried therapy?

It only recently came to my attention that there are therapists who specialise in working through internet porn addictions with their clients. I am considering it but on the other hand it feels kind of pathetic to spend near 200$ each week because of my dumb fucking porn addiction.
It’s been worse during quarantine since I don’t have work and uni to occupy my day.
I’m so fucking frustrated at myself it makes me want to pull my hair out. I can’t keep up even a week long streak. I’m at a point where I’ve given in because I don’t know if I can even quit this anyway. But I owe this to myself and my partner. It makes me feel worse each time. Uggghhhshshh :((((((
submitted by malikkafurs to NoFap [link] [comments]


2020.09.24 13:42 AmazingAimz Should I (31F) break up with my fiancé (33M) and risk losing my stepson forever

I've been with my other half for 2 1/2 years. I have a 14 yo son and he has a 4 yo son. His sons mum left before I came on the scene and has shown little interest in him since (she's a narcicisst and has a victim complex and that's all a whole other story!) After a couple of months of the relationship he started calling me mummy and I honestly love that kid as much as my own. He's difficult, with asd and adhd, but I have the skills and patience to deal with him because I've been through it with my son on my own.
Things with my partner are okay. I don't know how it's meant to feel after this amount of time because it's my longest relationship, but I just don't know if I love him anymore. There are so many little niggles that I don't bring up because he never says anything negative about me so I feel like a bitch. But they build up and breed resentment and now whenever I'm on my own I just think I don't want to do this anymore. Everywhere I look in my house there's his stuff. He can be selfish (not normally intentionally but it's still there) and doesn't value my opinion when he thinks he's right about something. I was supposed to start uni this year but I gave it up because he developed health problems and wouldn't be able to look after the kids on his own.
I don't know if I'd miss him if we split up, but I would miss my boy so so much. I know his dad would struggle with him and that's what's been stopping me even suggesting taking a break. But I'm not happy and my therapist has said, in relation to other things admittedly, that I need to make myself a priority sometimes. Is this the right time? Do I pull my family apart because I'm not sure what I want or do I wait until I've done some more therapy and see if I'm just depressed?
submitted by AmazingAimz to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.24 12:01 avenir01 Nutted to horrifying things, and I'm terrified. I think I'm addicted to porn and fapping, but I don't know when, how, and the why to stop from this addiction.

TL;DR I've seen horrible things but fapped to it anyway, and now the urge to stop has never been this high. Want to stop fapping and watching porn, but don't know when, why, and how to
full story:
So right off the bat, i think i kinda like several porn/hentai genres that aren't that 'normal' to begin with: cannibalism and necrophilia (and also some rough porn). Imagining things like that made me hard. Killing women in games do the same. Hell, even my first wet dream involves me hitting a girl. In an uncontrolled playthrough of AI Dungeon, I always attempted to kill then screw women's corpse, and that made me hard too. I'm a sick man.
I think it can be traced back into the old days, ever since i was in elementary school age. I got kind of aroused seeing an artwork of a seemingly burnt women in a book (not sure if it is though) and constantly imagining imaginative cannibalism every night. That thought ended for a while, but in my age right now (19M) it has been resurged.
I've had those sick fantasies since i was in elementary school, but my porn addiction roughly starts at 8th grade. It starts from searching for topless girls, then hentais, then full blown porn. Every attempts to stop has failed so far.
I've developed some new favorite genres along the way, one of it was wife sharing/wife cheating/cuckolding. From what i can trace, I think the reason I stumble across this genre is because I'm afraid that one day my partner will cheat on me. I've never had any GF before (attempts has failed) but that thought alone made me sad and kinda stressed as well.
A few days ago, i wanted 'something new' for my nut session. So i tried searching for necro porn, and i stumble upon a gore website, and when i opened it, there's a lot of unfiltered gore to be seen. And after a few while, i found a picture of something terrifying. I nutted to it. And boy, that guilt trip was there. I feel like i need to stop doing this. I don't really know when or how to stop, but one thing for sure is for me to erase that necro and cannibalism kink once and for all.
I want to stop, either from fapping, porn, or better, both. I just dont know when, why, and how. I've been stuck in my hometown because of covid, but i've planned to go to a psychologist in my uni town because the fee's much cheaper and i dont need permission to go out, especially from my parents. Hopefully one day i can beat this addiction (no pun intended), and hopefully writing this will help even if it's a bit.
Other data that might help to solve the problem: I'm 19M, never had a GF (all attempts failed, LOL), never got into any sexual acts with other person (premarital sex here is considered either a taboo or a secrecy). Genres i like in porn/hentai: BJ, Hijab, Amateur (i dont like production porn, feels fake), wife, cumshot, and those two horrible kinks. Usually faps twice a day to porn vids or images.
Any help is appreciated, thanks beforehand!
submitted by avenir01 to pornfree [link] [comments]


2020.09.24 09:56 SmallRedRobin14 I asked for Fairy Floss...

So I was actually the victim of the malicious compliance, but honestly it was funny and it saved the malicious complier (henceforth known as Alfred) some money, so everybody wins.

There is a tradition at my college that's linked to a whole bunch of events that would take too long to explain but basically to RSVP to a certain event, all the boys must buy their (female) partner a food item they request. This can be anything, but I asked for Fairy Floss, also known as candy floss to non-Australians. I knew this wouldn't be too much of an issue as there is a store on-campus that sells tubs of fairy floss and I figured Alfred would go there. How wrong I was.

So I arrive home after a long day at work, excited to sink my teeth into some fairy floss, only to find a bag of pick'n'mix hanging on my door. 'No biggie', I thought 'I probably just wrote candy floss instead of fairy floss on the invite by mistake and he got confused'. So I grab the bag and head inside to ruin my appetite before dinner. As I'm digging through the bag, I notice there's a circular plastic tub with fairies on it buried among the candy. Assuming it to be a case of gum, I pull it out and open it up.

It's a case of tooth floss. With fairy stickers on it.

The fallout: I had a good laugh, briefly considered letting my RA know so he could be 'punished' (made to replace it and be covered in spray tan for the entirety of the event), then decided against it and ate the rest of the candy.
Edit for clarification: Fairy floss is also called cotton candy and in Australia ‘college’ generally refers to residential colleges where students can stay while they attend uni.
submitted by SmallRedRobin14 to MaliciousCompliance [link] [comments]


2020.09.24 05:38 Reddit20257 I (21M) love my girlfriend (20F) of 2.5 years. But I think the relationship is hindering me from fixing myself. What should I do?

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 2.5 years and we love each other a lot. While I’m her first serious partner, she’s my 3rd or 4th, and I can confidently say that our love for each other is real and not a honeymoon phase like all my previous relationships.
But I’ve come to realize that no matter how much love we’ve built together, our relationship rests on a weak foundation.
I’m broken and underdeveloped. I have no hobbies, no job, shitty grades at uni, no drive to achieve or find success, low self-esteem, etc etc. My girlfriend is very much the same, except she’s working instead of going to school. She also suffers from body dysmorphia and bulimia. On top of that, right when we started dating, her mom went crazy, moved across the country, blew all her fresh divorce money on drugs, and now she hangs around like cancer and begs her family for money. Basically I’m depressed as fuck and my girlfriend is too, plus she has a shit ton of baggage she’s hardly coped with.
We both seem like depressed and directionless people with very little care for the future.
The real problem is that I feel like I can’t take myself out of this nosedive as long as I’m committed to her. I’ve historically let all my relationships consume me. They would be my identity. This one is no different. These last 2.5 years have gone by so quickly because all I’ve done is neglect everything other than my girlfriend. It’s not her fault, it’s really mine. That’s why I feel so guilty for having these thoughts. But I’m a logical person. I know that at 21 years old, breaking up with a girl shouldn't be that big of a deal… What’s stopping me is how fragile she is. I’m concerned for her if I decide to cut things off. She’s only barely keeping her shit together, I don’t know what would happen if she lost her rock. And plus, we’ve spent more than 2 years on this relationship and what we feel together has been really special.
But at the end of the day, I don’t think I’ll get better while I’m dating her. And I also think we should go out and experience more things before we hunker down and commit our lives to one person. We haven't talked about this, but I know all she wants is for us to be together forever. I just can't reciprocate those feelings anymore and I'm disgusted with myself.
I feel selfish for wanting new experiences. Should I just tough it out, stay with her, and hope I can turn everything around? Is there some kind of compromise I’m missing? I suggested taking a break recently, but I’m weak and couldn’t follow through with it. Any advice/opinions are appreciated.
submitted by Reddit20257 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.23 21:31 JaffaCakeFreak I treasured our friendship, I idolised her. I lost my rose coloured glasses when my Dad died.

TW: cancer, death
My beloved Dad had Leukaemia, at first he was supposed to live a normal life given medication. Unfortunately non of the medication worked, the doctors could never figure out why. Sadly my Dad lost his battle last year.
I had a friend (S) I've known since birth, a quarter of a decade. Our parents were great friends, when she lost her Mum in high school my Dad was the only person their for her Dad. My Dad visited her dad every week. We only went to the same school for 1 year, she was the year above and didn't bother with school, we were not friends because of school.
I always knew S and I were completely different people. I knew that if it wasn't for our parents we would never have become friends (ignoring the fact that we didn't go to school together). I was the type who tried at school, S did not and could not wait to leave. I was quite happy to not drink, and never smoked, S loved to drink and smoke (more than just tobacco). That never bothered me, probably because we grew up together, I thought we had a bond and I saw her as a big sister.
S left school as soon as she could, got a job, got into a relationship and had a child when she was about 20, moved from council house to council house, left her job because she could get more money sitting at home. I took a different route, stayed in school, went to uni, met my now husband, graduated, lived at home whilst saving, bought a house together, have chosen to be child free for now. I never had a problem with her life choices, it was her life and I loved her child. I would help out where I could. She did tell me a few times that she was waiting for me to be successful so I could help her out. The comment never bothered me, I want to help those out in my life if I can, and she was my longest friend.
I remember my now husband made the odd comment on our friendship, mainly that he noticed it was mainly myself reaching out, but that didn't bother me, I was fine with our dynamic at the time.
A few months after moving in with my now husband, my Dad was given two months left to live. I was devastated. I knew that I was going to marry my partner, we had discussed marriage before but wanted to wait to save up since we just bought a house. But after hearing my Dad only had 2 months left, I knew it was probably now or never, I couldn't get married without my Dad there, I always wanted him to walk me down the ailse, and he always wanted to also. So we skipped the dream proposal, my partner asked my Dad for his permission (something that my Dad always wanted), and got to planning a wedding within a month.
S wasn't involded in the planning, apart from dress shopping and my hen. I did ask her to be one of my three bridesmaids, but she didn't want to because she wasn't comfortable being in a bridesmaids dress. No worries, as long as she was there, and I still had my other two bridesmaids who helped a lot with the wedding.
Because S wasn't in the wedding party she didn't travel with us to the wedding, but she had told me she'd be there. We arrive I walk down the aisle with my the first man I ever loved so I could marry the man of my dreams. I did notice that S wasn't there, but I decided to worry later, I just got married and was on cloud 9.
When I got my phone back (it was being used for music for the ceremony) I checked for messages from S. None. So I messaged her asking where she was. Quite a few guests had noticed her absence and asked me where she was. She did message me back, apparently her son had hit his head at school so she took him to the hospital, but she'd try and make it for the party. Okay, I understood that, people did point out to me that she could have asked her partner, the father, to look after their child, but I didn't press the issue. She never did turn up, and she never messaged me to say she wouldn't make it. I won't lie, I was a little hurt that my longest friend never turned up to my wedding.
Less than a month after our wedding my Dad sadly passed away. It was tough. My best friends who were my bridesmaids reached out instantly, made the effort to see me, did whatever the could to help. I didn't have to ask for help, they were just there. I wasn't in a place to reach out for help, I needed others to reach out to me. S messaged me once, to say she was sorry for my loss and to reach out if I needed anything. I replied back with thanks. I admit it was a short response, but there wasn't much more I could say. I wasn't in a place to make conversation. She didn't reach out further than that, and I didn't ask her for anything.
When it came to my Dad's funeral we didn't send out invites, didn't post about the details to FB, and never made an announcement in the papers. This was at my Dad's request, because he did not want his parents there at the funeral, he had been estranged from them for a decade. We wanted to honour our Dads wish, so if people wanted to come to his funeral they had to ask my Mum, myself and my brothers for details. We would give then the details and ask that if anyone else wanted to come they would ask us first. Everyone understood why we were doing it this way, my Dad's parents were toxic people. They did try ringing the funeral home asking if my dad was there, and if they could collect their ashes, the funeral home were under strict instructions to not talk to anyone but my Mum. I had people I went to school with reach out and ask for details. S and her family never did, apart from her one sister who was the only one to bother with my Dad the last couple years, though S and her family never spoke to her.
Over 100 turned up to my Dad's funeral, and that's without us advertising or inviting. Over 100 people were able to make the effort to reach out and find out the details of the funeral for this amazing person, my Dad. S wasn't there, neither was her Dad, the person my Dad had been there for.
I was willing to forgive S for everything, not letting me know she wasn't coming to my wedding (twice), not making more of an effort to be there for me, not making the effort to find out about my Dad's funeral. All I wanted was for her to reach out first, that was it. I was resolved to forgive her and move on, didn't matter how long it would take.
Then I noticed she had removed me as a friend from FB. I got the message, she clearly didn't want to be friends anymore. I was hurt and confused. Though she had my childhood crib (a family friend made it for my parents when they discovered the were pregnant with me), my Dad had lent it to her with the intention of getting it back once her child was old enough. She had stopped using it ages ago. So I messaged her saying I had gotten her message, but could I please pick up the crib? The idea was that I would use this crib when the time came, but in the meantime my parents lent it to others who needed it. She agreed, arranged a time. I was hoping this could allow us to talk in person, but S made sure she had no contact with me. When I went to pick it up she had left it outside the flats, I saw her on her balcony when I arrived, she went inside as soon as I turned up. So I picked up the crib and left.
I did message her and ask what the problem was, I was truly confused. She said I could ask you the same thing. (????). Turns out she was pissed that we didn't invite her and her Dad to my Dad's funeral, but did invite her sister who they don't talk to, apparently her Dad had been checking the newspaper and FB every day for an announcement (yet he couldn't manage to send us a message, or even come to our house as we're just down the road and ask????). She knew the situation with my Dad's parents, and I explained to her that we didn't tell anyone because of that, people had to ask as Dad did not want us to tell anyone but wanted people to ask. She didn't believe me. She didn't believe that over 100 people would bother to make the effort. She accused me of saying my dad didn't want her dad there (?????) I never said that. This exchange was devastating. It felt like I was going through a break up, it was another loss.
After this I found out noone liked her, only me. My husband was never keen on her but didn't say anything because he knew I saw her as a friend. My two bridesmaids didn't like her after S said to them that I had everything handed to me on a plate at my hen (???), they did say to her that was not true and that I had worked very hard to get to where I was, but S wasn't having any of it. My Mum told me that my dad and her didn't like her, my dad use to see her Dad every Friday and she was there, she told him that I was making a mistake going to uni and putting myself in debt (I live in the UK, the student debt isn't as bad as the USA) when I could just stay home with my hand out, that really upset my Dad as he was proud of me for going to Uni. Mum also said that he didn't like how controllive she was when we were kids. Finding out no-one liked her was a shock, because no-one had said anything to be before.
I realised I wore rose coloured glasses when it came to S. She could do no wrong in my eyes. I was blindsided when it came to her. I willlngly let her walk all over me. I never stood up to her. I didn't agree with a lot of things she would say, she would make some racist comments and i would normally call people out on that nut never her.
I know now that I'm better of without her, but I also know that if she had not of removed me from FB I would have continued to be blind to her. It sucks that loosing my Dad meant I lost someone I considered to be a good friend, someone I knew for a quarter of a decade. My husband doesn't fully understand why losing her friendship hurts so much, since I'm better off without her. But she was a big part of my life.
submitted by JaffaCakeFreak to Vent [link] [comments]


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